Jack's Twisted Kingdom
10 Years. I've been writing in this journal for 10 years. Nearly 800 Entries, and thousands of miles traveled. 6 cars, 4 scooters, 2 motorcycles, 20 flights, a dozen via rail train rides, lived in Halifax, Moncton, Fredericton, Montreal, Ottawa, Grafton, London, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Vancouver, been to a dozen towns and cities I probably don't even recall, drove from Vancouver to Montreal, Winnipeg to Edmonton, Montreal to London, there, back again. It's really been, quite the adventure. My mom died, both my cats, I've been to the gulag, been homeless, been aimless. feckless. depressed, elated, joyful, sad, all of those and more. Been to 4 universities, enrolled in 2 colleges, danced at 3 weddings, slept with 3 bridesmaids, been to no funerals.
I've had two bad breadups with women I've loved deeply, and still do love (unconditional love being what it is, true and uncompromising), dated a model, a hairdresser, an army medic, a lawyer (for 5 minutes), a russian premed student (who was on her way to getting into harvard of all places), dated 4 goths, 1 christian, a jewish girl, a former cheerleader, one of best friends ex wife, one of my best friends girlfriends sister, a bi-polar artist, a struggling actress who served as my muse for a month and a day, and still have yet to date anyone older than 29, or younger than 21 since kristin. Been on 4 disastrous Valentines Day Dates, been on 1 perfect one, been single on all other valentines, every christmas, but not every halloween. strange how I find my love life to be far more interesting than the rest of my life.
So. Here we are. Another 10 in the making.
Well, I'm in Vancouver again, for the 4th time in as many years (well, 5 really), and continuing the pattern of arriving After June 17th and having left last time in february. I've never seen Vancouver in March through mid June, all 4 times in the last 5 years. February 28th seems to be a, turning point of my stay here, not sure why, but there it is. Living up on the North Shore is quite nice, I like it here, albiet a bit far without a car, which I will remedy shortly, it is quite nice.
a Few weeks back I was looking through facebook on someones page who had people I knew on it, and I joined the group, and then scrolled down at all the names of people I had at one point or another called, friends, acquaintances, lover in one instance, employer at another, confidant, enemy, muse, slave to my machinations, old roommates. And I clicked on the cancel button to join the group. I can't quite tell you why I did that without thinking, but I can tell you, I felt a bit ill about the thought of speaking to any of them. Time has done few favors for them, nor me really, thats a whole other thing, and I realize now what I realized when I stopped being friends with them, stopped associating with them, just, stopped. They haven't grown as people. Stagnant. Ill Poised. Weak. Ambition-less. I fought tooth and nail to escape, burning a few bridges I'm sure I could re-erect given some, prodding, time. They see nothing, but the landscape in front of them, its ok, but the incestuous nature of their clique's however lead me to flee, demanded it. Winnipeg for me, holds nothing, but bad memories, dour and misery followed them all, and I wanted out. so, I got out. perhaps its why I can't imagine why anyone would stay, but they do, and I bear them no ill.
I think it is perhaps my drive to escape, that throws me headlong into the headlights, I don't know, I don't think I even really care really. But I have a few friends, and this is important, I just wish I had more I could hang out with on a regular basis. I'm alone, partly from choice, partly from the gypsy lifestyle I've led, partly because of circumstances I alone control, partly because I have little patience for people, and drama, and seek to flee it at all costs. I suppose, in the end, it's no surprise really. I am trying to be more sociable, I'm hoping to improve upon the lack of social contact I have. My roomies are fine, but they're not particularly interesting, not to me, but then, I find I have less and less in common with most people. this is most disturbing, I used to be a social butterfly, I enjoyed it, and then, one day, I wasn't.