my thoughts

My Journey
2011-08-04 04:16:06 (UTC)

wandering thoughts

This week seems to be going by rather quick. It's hard to believe tomorrow is already Thursday.

I think it feels like it is flying by because of all the stuff to do that needs to be done, and I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting down to the wire.

There have been a couple of interesting events in the past couple of days, one I acted on, one I didn't.

Yesterday I went with my daughter for the fitting and alteration appt at the bridal shop. We went out to eat first, then to the appt, then shopping at a couple of stores trying to find that all elusive dress I can't find. I'm so frustrated and disgusted. And I know my daughter is frustrated with me too. We only went to a couple of the stores I had intended on going to, but it was so damn hot I couldn't shop anymore. I told her I would have to go back either earlier of the mornings or later in the evenings and not in the middle of day. As far as the cake, well, I may end up attempting to make it anyway, I think it's too late to try to order one now. More stress.

I had decided not to go on the overnight trip with everybody but then, at the last minute last night, I changed my mind again and decided to go. Well, this morning, I didn't make it. I was up all night worrying about it, wanting to go and not wanting to go at the same time. I hardly slept but when I got up this morning I decided to throw some stuff in a bag and go on. So I called Mom to tell her I would be going and to wait on me, I would be about 10 minutes late. But they had already left. So I called my daughter and she tried so hard to get me to come on, she would tell my mom to wait on me. But, I know how my stepdad is, he would have been "chomping at the bit", as my daughter said, to get on the road. So I told her no, go on, have a good time and be careful. Oh well. I had a headache anyway, mostly from lack of sleep and worrying. Maybe next time. I just hate not going and spending more time with them. I told my daughter we will go to a movie I've been wanting to see when it comes out. She knows that's a big deal because I don't do movies. The people annoy me. So I stay away.

Now, moving on to something stupid and crazy I did. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm such a glutton for punishment.

I wrote about something very personal about myself in the first few entries when I began this diary, but I went back and deleted them all. It's very personal, very painful, one of those things I know better than to do, but yet I do it anyway. I'll write a little about it now, just because of what I did. I contacted he-who-is-an-ass, something I said I wouldn't do anymore. I've done well, it's been months since I left him a message, but hit the send button on a spur of the moment. I did manage to restrain myself and leave out things I really wanted to add. I simply told him that our daughter's upcoming wedding was quickly approaching. I let him know a few of the details about it and that invitations had been sent out. I was more or less letting him know how well she had turned out and how well her fiancee' is and how well she has managed this without him. I also let him know that invitations were sent out hoping he caught the fact that he didn't get one. I didn't give details of when or where the wedding is taking place, on purpose. Not that he would come anyway, no, that would be too messy, would complicate his life too much.

I wanted to tell him that I still love him and tell him how much it still hurts after all these years. Twenty six years. Why in hell am I not over him by now?! Why does he still cross my mind every single day of my life??? I simply ended the email telling him I hope he was enjoying his summer.

Yes, he replied back. Was I surprised? No, not really. Even though he thanked me for keeping him updated on our daughter's life, and I truly believed that part, the other part sounded nice and even made my heart skip a beat, but I know it's all bull shit. That's the way he operates. He said he was glad to hear from me, he didn't think I would ever email him again. He said he missed me talking to him. He said he wishes I wasn't mad at him and that he misses me. If he only knew. He says he does, but he's as clueless as they come.

I won't go into our heart to heart, soul baring conversations that have taken place over the past couple of years, I have those saved somewhere else, but I will say that there is truth about the saying "actions speak louder than words" . And I'm trying so hard to just take the words with a grain of salt and leave it at that. I know me too well, I know I will reply back to him. If simply to tell him the truth. I am NOT mad at him. I have every reason on this earth to be furious with him, and I am. But, I also forgive him. I'm the proverbial puppy dog when it comes to him. However, I have bitten back a few times and this old dog has learned to stay away for longer periods of time in between the mistreatments. One of these days I just won't go back at all. I just hope it will be sooner than another twenty six years.

There is so much to say about him, and I may at some point. If only to remind myself of why he is where he is and I am where I am.

I got my lab results back today, and as I guessed, my levels are low again. Doc sent me another prescrip, and also let me know my chol is a little high. I will have to go back and have labs done probably every couple of weeks again for awhile. Just what I need. That's about it. until later..........




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