Confessions of a married woman
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2011-07-27 15:31:36 (UTC)

What Have I done to Deserve this...

I live my life simple, try to be nice to everyone. I don't hate anyone not even those who have damaged my life directly or indirectly. I need strenght a lot of it. I'm so scared. Never been this scared in my life. I need closure.. I need someone to love me. I need someone care for me like someone once did. I'm afraid of failing. I'm not really good at anything. I wish I was smarter, I wish I had more balls. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I had more money. All I have ever done is be nice to him and his family and look at how I get paid. He loves me, but he doesn't want restrictions on how to see his new child. Well I've lived with restrictions throughout my marrige. He wants to sleep over her house on his days off. Does this mean I get to bring someone home with me on these days? Why is life so unfair. I thought God would cut me some slack. Why not God? I know I don't go to church on a regular basis, but I do believe in you and pray to you all the time. And from the bottom of my soul.. i scream for your mercy on me. Help me! I'm desprate! I really am! I can't take this any longer. I need the strenght the wisdom to move forward and not have to depend on any mother fucker. Please God... put your hand over me and protect ME... heal me... do something for me other than the what you already do for me by letting me live and protecting the most important persons in my life, my family. Why do the bad guys always get lucky? Why? I don't understand! Why do they always end up winning? God, I'm asking from my hurtful soul and heart, my heart that hs been crushed into a million pieces over and over again. I must deserve it then! PLease please help me! Help me grow some balls and help me get the fuck out of that house, out of his life and his family's. I don't need them either, they are not supportive in any way. Please God when I get my lawyer, please let her be a bitch/asshole, that will get me everything I deserve and for me to be protected. He's a piece of shit, that only cares about himself. I need to hate him, I need to totally HATE him. He's worthless and he's never going to change, no matter who he's with. Help me realize that make me understand that he's a piece of shit that doesn't deserve any kind of happiness. Lord, just lease have mercy on me and get me where I want to be: happy in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally. Amen.