Snuffy

Danielito
2011-07-26 09:23:26 (UTC)

Jumping to now again.

Current general life situation: Mary was working at massage envy and she quit recently because she hated it. Now she only works at Apple. She loves it there. I am still at Skechers, liking it but feeling burned out at times. London is 3 and she's testing us every second of the day.
I've recently decided that I'm going to go back to school to be a Dental Hygienist coz they make a lot of money. The band is starting to network a little bit. We are going to be showcasing at some college touring thing in Wenatchee in September. I'm leading the choir at church. Mary teaches 4-5 year olds.

I've recently told Mary about my porn addiction. It was really hard to tell her because I thought she would just leave me and never give me a chance to recover. It felt good telling her of course. She was open and easy to talk to. She asked questions that I was embarrassed to answer but It was still good. I viewed less and less porn after that because I felt there was finally a way out. I regained some hope in telling her about it but because we never talked about it, it being too awkward, I went back to my old ways. We started going to counseling and we started realizing how unhappy we both were. So many times have we both wanted out of the relationship. One thing I've learned is that we're both quick fix people. I want sex? Boom. Porn. Instant sex. Mary wants results yesterday. Her quick fix is "spending all my hard earned cash!" haha She told me about her spending addiction. That was hard for her i bet. She's probably going to do better at overcoming her addiction than I will be though. At this point, I'm feeling hopeless again. I told Mary about the last time I looked at video porn and she appreciated me letting her in. It gave me the confidence to not do it again. Alas, I still masturbate and imagine things that I've seen. I guess it's better than continuing to view new porn but not much. This very moment, I want to partake. It's like the need to eat when you're hungry or as strong as my will to live. I have a hard time talking myself out of it. I rationalize, "well, I wont look at anything. I'll just masturbate." but half way through the temptation to look at something to become more aroused increases and I give in to the heat of the moment. Pretty soon I've stumbled upon nudity and I think "well, now I'm here again. I've officially looked at porn. I might as well go all the way now. What's the difference?" It starts like this pretty much every time. The triggers are free time and boredom. A lot of times, there is nothing more interesting or exciting to do. The ironic thing is, viewing porn has made me uninterested in most other things including Mary, London, reading, exercising, writing music, cooking, home teaching, teaching guitar lessons... etc. I know that if I rid myself of this addiction, I will love my wife and daughter and I'll become a great elder in the church again.
Since my last entry, I've come to the conclusion that I can't live happily as anything but a Mormon. Regardless of truthfulness or falsehood of Mormonism, I have to live the standards associated with that belief system or I will be miserable. I was a fantastic missionary and I had hoped to be a general authority someday but because of my involvement with pornography, I have regressed to not even being sure that God exists. Some days I look at the world through a heathen's eyes and I think to myself, "there very well could be nothing more than this existence." I can't deny it's possible that we are here by chance. I can't deny it's possible that we are here for a divine purpose either. It is such my personality to be undecided. I can't decide which side to take on other controversial matters in politics or ethics either. I believe in the freedom to choose, may it be what to eat, or who and how to worship. I think gay people should live their gay lives and the rest of us should leave them be because it's their choice and they want to be happy that way. I Believe the things I do because of how I was raised. Most everyone believes what they do because of an outer influence. It could mean that I can only be happy being Mormon because it's familiar and it makes sense. I think there is a lot of truth to that but it doesn't eliminate the possibility that it's all true anyway. Joseph Smith could have seen the Father and The Son. The Book of Mormon and Bible could contain teachings of holy prophets. There could be a Celestial, Terrestrial, and Telestial Kingdom. The Gospel could have been restored and I could be lucky enough to know about it. But the possibility that it could all be in my head is a huge stumbling block for me. What's on the other side of believing this and feeling guilty for not keeping these commandments? What would happen if I did what Kyle did and denounce my religion and become a generic believer in God but without association to any organization? Would the guilt go away? Would I feel relieved? Would I feel lite and free? Or would I lose sensitivity and live in darkness? I fear I would never feel the electricity, light, and peace that the Holy Spirit has brought me in the past. I had never been more alive and full of love than when I was a missionary in Canada. I knew God knew me. I knew that I had a mission in life. I knew my potential was great. I felt I was worth something. Today I feel alone and worthless. I feel dirty and selfish. I feel like death would bring peace and that continuing to live would only mean more disappointment in myself. I don't feel I have what it takes to follow God nor the heart to betray Him. What an awful way to live each day. It feels like I'll never be happy again.




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