Hailey

The Cutting Diary
2011-07-11 00:29:47 (UTC)

Struggle

July 10th, 2011. 7:30 PM

Lately, I've been seeing two, deep cuts on the underside of my right arm. Yes, seeing. They aren't actually there physically, but they are in my head. These aren't my normal cuts either, these are gashes. They are long, and deep, and they trickle blood where ever I go.

They are just there, plain as the nose on my face. I see blood staining the ground, smeared on my pants. But all of this is only real in my head.

What's even weirder is I have no desire to make these cuts. My arm doesn't burn and itch like it normally would.

I don't know what this is, or why it is. Maybe it's because I've been thinking about death a lot lately. I have no desire to commit suicide, or purposefully put my life in danger, but I can see myself dying...I even yearn for it a bit.

I feel like I've already giving up. Even thought freedom is just on the horizon, and I was so sure that it would be all I needed. But now...I'm just not sure. I feel like the last of my hope has died...

I refuse, I refuse to let that be the case. I can't quit now, I wont. I refuse to be broken yet. It just can't be over, this can't be all there is.

If things don't pick up, however, I wont be able to hold on any longer.

Please God save me.




Ad: