I am so sorry i have not written in so long. It has been over 7 months of no writing but you have been exactly where you always were, in my hear,t and I haven't let you go for a second. Not one second.
After my last entry things went down hill but it was not your fault baby. You worked so hard! Your dad and I went in for an ultrasound before we went to Boston for Christmas and it was great. Then, the morning we were leaving for Boston I started having a little bit of brown blood. It didn't seem like such a big deal but we got it checked out anyhow and it looked good. You seemed to be doing well. Over Christmas I spent a lot of time in bed watching TV and worrying about you. At some point I had some pink blood, too and so i called the MD. He was not too concerned, I wasn't cramping really and was not "bleeding". When we came back from Christmas we decided to go in for another ultrasound just to make sure everything was OK. When we went for the ultrasound the technician was very optimistic. She said that this happens often and had happened to her or something (the bleeding). We were feeling OK and the ultrasound began. As soon as the lady put the ultrasound into me she quickly went over to the side away from you next to an ovary and said that the right ovary was the ovary you came from. Then she slowly went back to the middle where you were and i didn't see any heartbeat. Thats the first thing I thought. She said something like she was sorry but it looked like your heart was not beating and she said she was certain. Me and your dad were so sad! I cried so much and could not believe it, baby. Immediately we went in to see Dr. Sharpe who gave us our options. We could either wait a few days and maybe you would come out on your own or we could have a procedure right away that would take you out of me. The MD recommended the latter and suggested that this can make it easier so I decided to do it. I was in shock mode, baby. I was in complete shock mode. I asked the MD if we could come in tomorrow morning for another ultrasound to make sure it was true, that you were gone. I do not really remember the rest of that day at all. I don't know how we told everyone or who called who. The next day we went in for an ultrasound and your heart was still not beating. We went across the street to the hospital and some lady registering me told me that she had a miscarriage, too. Then your dad brought me upstairs and had to leave me to prep for surgery. I told him that i wanted a frappe and a stuffed animal after my procedure.
This nice nurse prepped me for the procedure. I think she was kind of tall and built like a sturdy irish woman with big hips and short hair. I was laying on a hospital bed behind a curtain. I just remember it being white and pleasant. I was not scared; or at least i don't remember that. She told me that she had had a miscarriage too before she had 2 healthy children (i think a boy and a girl). She told me that the MD had told her to wait a few months after her miscarriage but she gotten pregnant right after her miscarriage.
I had on these pink Victoria's secret socks that your dad had gotten me for christmas and they were getting all over everything- all of this bright pink cotton everywhere. She laughed and said something about throwing them out. They were cozy i remember. She put an IV into me that kind of hurt at first and I think I thought about Grandma Mary, your great grandmother who had been in the hospital and had IV's alot that looked painful. Then i remember talking to the nurse and getting wheeled intro another room where they may have given me even more drugs and i was out. When i woke up i was in the prepping room again and your dad was there sitting next to the bed. I don't remember much after this about that day. Maybe leaving? Your dad says he got me a frappe from friendly's.
This day put on hold a true love affair, baby. Our love for you did not end but the hope and dreams for you coming into our lives soon were replaced with sadness.
Tonight we said goodbye to you. It is never really goodbye but just goodbye to you being born into our lives this August.
If I did anything to fail you, baby, I am so sorry. Will you forgive me if I have? Do you think I can do better this time? Will you be my angel and help me do better this time? Maybe, like leah said, you are just coming back again- trying again to come into the world with me and as your mom, the same spirit but a little different timing!?!
I really pray that this is the case, baby. And this time, i really really believe we can do it! lets do it, ok?!?!?!?
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo, i love you forever and ever and ever! Meghan
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