༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2011-07-10 17:05:21 (UTC)

Relapse

Today, I got sick of this depression and relapsed on my self harming. I just can't take crying for days on end anymore. It didn't stop the tears, but now I feel physical pain, something my mind registers. Now I have a reason to cry. It's in a place not seen by others. It was done with no one knowing. So the only harm was done to me. I'm really sick of being so damn depressed and nothing working to fix the issue.
I was told by an idiot I know, that depression only happens when you "think" of things that bother you or things you want to change. That's not true. I wake up depressed, don't even have to have my first cup of coffee yet, and I'm wanting to cry.
I try researching Bipolar and Manic Depression but it all reads the same, it's nothing I do or think that causes it, it just happens to be my disease and my genetics.
I want to change this disease but nothing seems to work.
I do the therapy, three times a week. I do the meds, every freaking day. I try to have bright colors around me. My music. My art work, etc.
But right now, I feel the need to "relieve" by blood, skin, and metal. There's something about that old daily habit of mine that seems to be calling me after almost a year of rehab. Only slipping up twice till today.
What is it that's causing me to feel so miserable?
I sit here and try to "convince" myself of all the good things, but I can't seem to let it sink in. I need to "hear" it from someone who 'cares and believes' it. Sad huh?
Wish I was more self sufficient like I was four years ago. I didn't let anyone tell me other wise. I "believed" in myself.
I guess three years of being put down in more ways than one has done a number on me.
I doubt today will be just a 'single' incident...not with how I'm feeling.
Anyway, I'm finished writing down what I'm feeling right now. Going to cry a little more and try to focus on something else.
Feeling the physical pain right now helps. But I have to not let it get out of control today, I can't afford to. After doing this behavior since I was five, I've learned alot.
What is it they say....practice makes perfect. Guess in some ways, I'm perfect at one thing 


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