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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2011-07-08 14:23:02 (UTC)

Man Hater Day

Morning. 9:23am here in Chicago. Bright sunny day so far on the outside world, but dark dreariness on the inside.
I can't seem to awake in a happiness anymore.
I still manage to get up, tend to the daily life I have, but internally, the tears continue to pour from my soul.
I feel like a puppet sometimes...hiding behind this mask and just being pulled by the ropes of life. Never any decision of my own on what to do or how to feel.
It just sets in, no matter how hard I tell myself otherwise.
It's odd to me, still, after all these years, how bipolar and depression control my life, no matter what I do to get control over it.
What's even more frustrating is having a person in your life, who buys the "Bipolar for Dummies" book and highlights everything that they feel you do that affects everyone else around you. Basically throwing your disease in your face, reminding you that you're screwed up and not worth being around because of your unpredictability, unstableness...etc. Wonder if this is part of the reason I isolate myself? I don't have any self esteem, no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise.
I try to believe I'm not bad for my age. 40 in November, delivered 5 children, red hair, blue eyes, 5"6', 139 pounds, don't wear make-up, yet still get carded to buy smokes. But, when you convince yourself that your worth a double look, and have someone in your life who, never touches you, doesnt tell you you're still the most beautiful woman in the world, but he can sneak to watch porn, and all the typical male things men do, then a woman's mind and thoughts sink into that inevitable dark pit.

I guess today us more of a 'man haters rant' huh?

My children are still sleeping. I've had my morning coffee, now time for my morning exercise "HipHopAbs" from BeachBody. Blend my diet shake and pop the vitamins.
Then to the daily chores and so fourth.

So till later,
Those in the AM...have a great day, those in the PM...have a great night.


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