Joan

Chapter 34.5
2011-07-07 09:09:29 (UTC)

I fretted and fretted yes..

I fretted and fretted yesterday and damn near made myself sick.
I didn’t want to call Colby, I wanted him to call me… but regardless of whatever it is, I don’t get everything I want. eh.

I did the “what if” game 20 times before calling him. Ultimately, if he was asleep and I didn’t call and wake him I could hear him say “Damn it, why didn’t you call me?” So I called Colby at 5:15pm because our appointment was at 6:15. He was asleep. I told him we didn’t have to go, he could sleep, we could do something later, I could come over and help him do dishes, whatever. He said no, he wanted to go. So off to our private dance lesson we went :D

It was great – I had a lot of fun. Poor Colby only had about 2.5 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours so he was rather foggy. Bless him, he tried really well but he struggled with it. We did the waltz, mamba and swing. We go back next Tuesday for a 45 min group lesson and 45 min of an open “dance party”. Bunch of newbies dancing on the floor trying to learn.
These lessons were from a Groupon so of course they tried to get us to buy a package and CRAP dance lessons are EXPENSIVE! I had no idea. 6 private lessons, 3 group and 3 dance parties were $550 if you paid the amount in full. If you made payments, add 10%. Oye.

So after the lesson we went back to his house and talked. Poor guy was so tired he put in a movie, laid down on my lap and crashed. I was in heaven… I rubbed his shoulders, back and head, we watched a movie and he drifted in and out of sleep. Against my best efforts, I did get emotional. He was physically so close, yet I knew his heart wasn’t there with me. I left for my therapy appointment but went right back to his house afterwards. He was sound asleep and didn’t even hear me let myself in. We ended up talking some, kissing some and discussing him spending the night with me. Of course I was 100% on board, but he had such a mixed bag of feelings. He wanted to for selfish reasons he said, but he felt guilty too. He couldn’t identify why he felt guilty – and confirmed it wasn’t about Jennifer. He also said he felt he’d be taking advantage of me – using me to make him feel good. *shrug* Okay, I said. Take advantage of me, I want to make you feel good. So eventually we agreed and he came over. I was ecstatic and he was unsure and wanted to know if I had any mixed feelings. Absolutely not , I said. He was surprised and was worried he’d want to leave in the middle of the night. I told him that I wouldn’t like it, but that I’d let him go and I’d understand, give him that space he felt he needed.
We talked and snuggled up and went to bed. Once in the middle of the night he woke up and nuzzled up to me and hugged me and we fell back to sleep. I woke up once later and did the same to him. I felt so right, felt so good. I just loved every second of it. I didn’t want to sleep so that I could remember that feeling and keep it close… but I did sleep 
I got up as usual for work and the boys came into the bedroom, surprised to see Colby but were happy to see him. He took them to the daycare drop off for me and I came straight to work.
He needs to talk to someone to sort out his feelings. If he can tell someone how he feels, they will interpret it for him and they retell him and I think that’ll help him with direction. I gave him the number to the therapy center to call. I think that is the first step he needs to take to find himself again.




Ad: