Joan

Chapter 34.5
2011-07-06 11:32:12 (UTC)

I miss my life

Damn. I sure am feeling down today. I miss the life I had 6 months ago that I didn't appreciate. :( Stupid me.

I work up with nightmares about Colby & I about 4:45am and immediately sent him a text. I said:
I’m having bad dreams about us.  why do we do this? God, I love you. I always have , always did. If you were next to me right now, I’d snuggle up to you. I wish you could see my heart and all the genuine love I have for you. I promise to never never betray your trust or love again. From the bottom of my soul I miss *us*. Baby, I love you. I need you. XOXOXO!

He responded with: I love you. Go back to sleep.

Yes it made me feel better, feel okay. But that was all I got. I’m starving for more.

Before I read his response I sent this @ 4:59
The more I look at your pictures, the more I love you. I state at your text messages and feel like a dog on a chain. I am trying and I am waiting, and will wait. You are my one. I am your one. I wouldn’t fight so hard if I didn’t believe that. Colby, what I said about paybacks is true. It is karma. You said I made you feel like a dog and kicked you.  please forgive me for that. Now I feel like a dog. I felt myself cower inside when you used a firm tone tonight about moving. At that moment is when I usually would have shut down. But I didn’t, I won’t. I will listen, really listen to you and not start my own thoughts in my head before you are done speaking. Please let your guard down and let me back in. I won’t hurt you.

Text @ 5:05am
I want to marry you. If a woman can’t be married to God, she is supposed to be married to a man. Marriage is serving, giving and sacrificing. It is a calling from God to be married, a lifelong ministry to care and give to your partner. I feel that is for us. I really do.

It is 11:42am and I haven’t heard from him. He is supposed to go to the movies this morning with his daughter but still. He got off work at 8am. He couldn’t call on his ride home? Call on his way to pick up his daughter? I worry who else he is talking to. I worry about us. I worry about losing him.

I haven’t contacted him and I really don’t want to. I will leave work at 4:30 today, pick up my boys and go home and change to go to our dance lesson tonight. I wonder at what point he will call me.

This is hard. I thought it’d be easier since he’s in my life but I want more. I wish I could be satisfied with how things are, but I’m not. I’m sad and lonely.




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