Joan

Chapter 34.5
2011-07-05 22:56:08 (UTC)

role reversal

I can't wrap my head around how reverse our roles are now.

I want to talk, talk, talk. I want to ask questions, I want to know how he feels. I want to know what he's thinking, how is he processing our "relationship".

I need to tone it down but even if it doesn't seem impossible, it is very daunting.

I'm always second guessing how much "reaching out" I'm doing with him. Is it too much? Have I scaled back like he wants me to? Where do we stand?

I'm fretting terrible about wanting to call him right now and I'm resisting. 1) he has said less contact, please 2) he is driving to work right now

But I wonder what the status of our relationship is. I want to call and ask questions but he's tired, he told me that tonight, I saw it. I will also see him tomorrow night so I can try and talk to him then.

But, this is how it is going - I am still sending him 4-5 text to his one. The only difference was when I was at Jedi camp - he sent me quite a few texts asking about camp.
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Blah, I just called and left him a voice mail message. I have a bad memory, but it seems he always used to answer his phone, not he doesn't. Is that because he doesn't answer MY calls? Or he used to jump to answer the phones when he drove the tow truck, and now it is less important. To his credit (if he is ignoring my calls), he ignores he phone calls when he is with me.
Anyway, my message was that I was glad he let me fix his lunch and that I got to see him tonight. I could tell he was tired tonight and I'm glad he has the next 2 days off. He is going to see a movie tomorrow with M & her half-brother and I hope he enjoys the movie. I am also looking forward to tomorrow night - a private dance lesson for us. I told him to have a good night and be safe.
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So I guess I'm feeling insecure. I asked him if he is talking to Jennifer and he said yes, phone calls and some texting. She "accepted" his friendship and she wants to remain friends. The short time they were together he changed her life and taught her more than anyone else has.. blah blah. I shouldn't "blah" but I feel very blah about their conversation. I'm a bit jealous but a bit concerned. If I knew we were going to be in a relationship, and WE were it, I wouldn't be. But he hasn't said that. He has said he isn't dating anyone and in that I take it we are not boyfriend/girlfriend. What is confusing is that I text him "xoxoxo" in every email and text. I tell him "I love you" in most emails and texts. We hug and kiss and are intimate. When we part ways in our vehicles we blow kisses. Damn near every time we speak on the phone we both say "I love you". I think most of the time I say it first but I've made it a point not to say it, and so he does. What kind of whack relationship is this? I need to appreciate it, maybe I will tomorrow or soon, but right NOW it's driving me nuts.

He sent me an awesome text messages this morning and ended with "I love you". First time this time around that he has texted that. That should count for something, right? It made me feel great all day. Then shortly after 8pm I called to see if he was awake and I didn't get an answer. I used an app our our phones to "walkie talkie" him. AWESOME! But I felt like I was intruding and bothering him. This is the problem, I don't know if I WAS or if I'm imagining it. I don't want to ask because I don't want him to snap at me to "Stop, leave it" which is the response I've got before.

We are "friends with benefits" but I have directly asked him if he plans on having any other "friends with benefits" and he said no. I told him "good" because I don't want him to have anyone else. I want to be "it". But I feel myself growing in jealousy or concern and it could turn into smothering or "that" feeling you project on someone when you are jealous and act in such a manner. "That" feeling is what Colby has and projected towards me.

He told me tonight that he is talking to a Realtor about selling his house. My stomach kinda did a drop at that moment. Why? How is he going to sell his house? Where is he going to move? Without me? Is he looking at the future and I'm not part of it? He could sense my alarm and said he wasn't moving next month. Yeesh, just a bit of ease in that.
Then he asked if I told M that we were moving to the farm with them. I said no, but she asked if we were moving to the farm with them and I told her I didn't know. Colby said that M told her mom that the boys and I ARE moving to the farm with her... and from his attitude and response I could tell he wasn't pleased. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to.

He said he wants to know what he needs to do to sell, what to fix, what he doesn't have to, what the houses in the area are selling for
and so on. I asked if I could be part of that and know what is going on. He said yes/sure or something like that. He could tell I was showing concern and with a firm tone said "I'm not moving now. It could take a year". I wanted to shut down. I don't like it when he speaks to me in a firm tone, it makes me want to cower.

But what is the deal with buying a house? Is it a bachelor pad? Is he planning on moving by himself? If we get back together, is he planning on us moving there? I don't get it. When your life is in limbo, how can you plan such a massive change. I don't get. I can't guess on this one.

So that makes me uneasy. But him saying "I love you" in his text reassures me. His coldness (or how I perceive it) makes me uneasy.

Tomorrow I offered to cancel our date and he can sleep. He said what else would we do, I said he could be alone and sleep. He again said "so we just wouldn't go? No, I want to go". I offered that we could do his dishes (he has a massive amount of dishes to do, some dirty, some just moved from my house and never washed and put away). He said he doesn't want to do dishes (no kidding, that's why they have been on your counter for a month).... if he'd let me have a key, I'd do his dishes for him. I've never had a key to his house. I'm thinking about getting a key for him here... I'd like for him to have a key but I have a feeling he wouldn't take it and I'd feel rejected. Women! We're so complicated.

.... the entire time I've been typing this out, in the back of my mind I've been thinking about Colby and tonight. It has been 30 minutes since I called and left him a voice mail message. Why hasn't he called back? Maybe he won't. I did say I'd talk to him tomorrow. Maybe he is talking to Jennifer on his way to work? :o( Maybe his radio is so loud he didn't hear the phone ring. Maybe he saw it was me and doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe he is stressed with me and wants to push me away.

I don't know. When he was here tonight, he did hug and kiss me but felt more obligatory. I wonder if the "I love you" in the text today was obligatory since I did pack his lunches for him.

I don't want to drag him along. I want him to want me on his own free will and encourage this relationship... but he isn't. He isn't resisting but I'm doing the work. I wouldn't mind doing the work, I mean I wouldn't question it doing the work, if I knew that he wanted me to. But if I'm doing all this and he is "just going along" and he'll shut down on me, then where the hell will I be then? I have told him I want him to discuss his feelings up and down with me. I don't want any surprises. Jennifer had no idea he was going to break up with her until he did. I don't want that. I don't want him to just go along with me and then back out all of a sudden and shut me out.
But he is keeping me at a distance, so maybe I'm safe? Maybe this is going well and I just can't see it?

I'm a dork. I can't believe I'm hashing this all out... these are the thoughts I ALWAYS have that I never share. I let it tumble all around in my head and never spit it out. This is what Colby wanted me to share and I'm back to being scared to share... difference reasons I'm keeping it to myself... I think. I don't want to sound like such an emotional "chick" but that is exactly what I am. That is exactly what Colby doesn't have the patience for right now. I irritated him (he wouldn't call it irritation but I don't know what other word to use) last Thursday night when I was so emotional after my close-call accident and freakin medical bill that came. I was way short on sleep and I was emotionally raw with him..

I just want him. I want to be in his arms and I want him to kiss my forehead and head and make me feel calm, safe and secure. Everything that I am not right now.





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