AcidRain

Sane Inside Insanity
2011-06-27 04:18:33 (UTC)

It just came to me...

I had a realization... It was rather interesting the way it came, sorta like a slap across the face... That hurt really really really badly, but when the sting went away, I knew something I never thought I could grasp. We're given people in our lives at points when we need them most. We need our familys the moment we come into this world to care for us. We meet our friends along the way so we learn who we are as people, and who we want to become. You were a large blessing in my life as you know. You came in when my world began to come crashing down around me. I was in an abusive relationship, my mother was slowly dying, and over all, I had no idea who I was as a person. I was lost in every way possible, trying to find some type of stability. You come in, and against all odds, I fall in love with you and hold a greater passion than I've not only ever held for anyone else, but as well as the very things I thought would keep me sane at the time. You became my rock. You helped me through not only a terrifying time in my life when dealing with a horrible boyfriend, you also allowed me to cry, and be human. You understood how I felt about my mother, the pressures I felt, you knew what it was like to just want to break free, despite how much we love the ones we'd leave behind. You understood me inside and out. You held me when I was lonely, you wiped my tears away when I would cry. You'd laugh with me when I needed to forget the world for a few moments. You were everything I needed at that time... Then that time passed. It got easier. I didn't feel the stress of my family, I was no longer afraid of a crazy stalker boyfriend. All in all, I was a lot more stable... I guess it wasn't meant to be no matter how much I wanted it, no matter how much time we put into us, we would grow apart, and that's what happened. I began so enthralled in myself, you began to want your own life... So you left me, oddly enough, the very Saturday after making me promise that I wouldn't take my own life should I ever lose you. I think, you were there to get me through the hardest point in my life so far. We loved with a passion only seen in movies and read in books. We laughed harder than I ever had before. You gave me a joy I never thought I'd be able to feel. You've made me who I am today. I still believe with all my heart, whoever is the lucky one to end up with you in the long run, will be loved in a way no other could. You'll always have a place in my heart, if not own it. I won't be ready to love again for a very long time, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to love again. I'm still going to dream of you. I'm still going to think about you every day. I'm still going to allow myself to cry... But there is one thing I won't do. I'm not going to bet you to take me back, because I know if you want me, you'll come to me. You know I still want to be with you, you know these past three weeks have been a living hell in itself, and every moment seems longer than the last... But hopefully, the pain will ease in time, and maybe, just maybe, I can finally listen to "Scottie Doesn't Know" without breaking down into an uncontrollable fit. I still love you, and it's hard not being able to tell you that, but that's just how life works.




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