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2011-06-15 02:03:17 (UTC)

House is a Tip

Pots of coins in all rooms. No-one will take change in shopes - charge to get it changed to notes. I said I would get bags. She looks at me as if I am mad.

Everything tinged with yellow. Sheets are clean but acrid bitter smell of smoke in the bed. Som older sheets folded in the airing cupboard I thought were cream till I pulled them out and saw that they were yellow on the fold where they were susceptible to the air.

Under bed stuffed with bags. have thrown away several pairs of curtains. One cream pair, probbly from London flat, almost mustard with grim, smoke and age.

My lip is permanently sowllen, must definitely be stress.

First tears on night of Monday night. No tears of compassion just of frustration.

Miss the normality of home. Must get bath and hair washed and out for a walk before I go crazy.

No door on bathroom just a disgusting looking pink sheet pinned over opening.

Good morning. Managed to throw away quite a few clothes but adamant about suede jackets. Will give in to keep the peace. Managed to clear wooden bookshelf. Filthy. Large bag of bird food and empty bird food containers.

Pile of videos growing. Will not mention till all together. Put paint cans (about 10) in shed plus large bag of DIY stuff and large steps and gardening stuff. Seeds need to go too. All mostly several years out of date and bulbs. Dessicated ones I have binned.

I told a lie that I had broken a clock. May be the first of many. No, I will not lie, its not worth it.

After dinner she came downstairs and started accusing me of throwing out her newspapers that were on top of the bookshelf - at last, not guilty. She wants to collect papers now so she has plenty for a cat tray.

She is no better personality wise. There is a viciousness in her voice. Unfortunately I hear traces of myself. Perhapse that is why I have cried for the first time tonight.

I have even thought of going for a run. I so do not want to end up like her.

I admitted that I was mean to her as a child and she says its the first time I have ever said that. Probably true, I have a really nasty streak in me too. but then again, it is years since we have had anything to do with each other.

I am crying again writing this. I never thought I would say this but I may need a shink when I get home. I may talke to Paula Denham.

I tried to sew the seed of getting a cupboard put into the recess of the hallway with pigeo holes for tools, bird food, cat food etc. She is not totally resistant to putting bookshelf in living room although a little skeptical.

Broached the subject og getting a laptop, a mac, an even an Ipod. Told her about our iPod speakers, made her think. Asked about her stereo CV player does not work hasn'tused any of it for years by the sounds of it. It is also covered in a thicklayer of dust and grime. Maybe we can get rid of but keep unit. Could use to store DVDs and videos, maybe magazines.

Want to move silver unit to wall behind table and move table around. May be possible.

She is being good really I have got rid of so many bags but there is a lot of clutter now. Urgently need to get rid of them.

I will try to conentrate on living room today as Doctor coming and tomorrow and visitors will start to arrive soon.

Difficult to both eat at same time as pots and pans too small. Alison's not like that, nor mums.

she is getting stronger every day and will be more difficult to manage.

It is quite difficult sleeping. Also difficult being in a smelly room with only a small space to get to bed and nowhere to put anything. Can't even leave toothpaste in bathroom as no room.

Lots of clothes to wash as a result of clearing heaps of clothes from wardrobe. Really everythingneeds a wash as it smells of acrid smoke.

Cross with me for throwing out shoe boxes I have said I would not throw out any more.

I am already losing the will to argue. I have got rid of so much she will be more and more angry as she finds she can't find things she wants - black mouse doorstop, broken mirror case, all probably chucked. I can't remember.

Spilt coffee on floor in my room. Damn, only room in house with carpet.

First impressions one of intense depression. Upstairs windows both rooms rooms heavy curtains blue curtains pinned behdin in my room dark blue sheer nets black bin liners sellotaped together and pinned over nets and blinds down. Lovely fake fur throw screwed up on deep windowledge. He room the same but platic bags stuck to wall to cover windows. I wonder when either curtains were last opened.

I didn't take photos as I was a littl too upsed and didn't want to be reminded but on Sunday Andrew persuaded me to so things arn't as bad as they were at first. Just looked at them again to reassure myself my mind is not exaggerating.

Her bedroom looked fantastic by the time she came home. Showed Alison and I think she was amazed too. shame most frap is now in my room. I think I will be ill soon as I feel really run down. Haven't given jet lag a chance.

Desparately need a shower. Will have to have a bath once I have got her breakfast. Need to get out. Will get some food today, not much as will ahve to carry - take rucksack.

So many beige and karki clothing shapeless - so many brown trousers - battle to get her to part with some. Would not be surprised if she opens bags while I am out. Knots tied fairly tightly.

So many shower curtains. Two the same as the one hanging and another still in bag. Have thwon two away. Hope she doesn't ask aboutthem. Also three other duvets.

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