Hailey
The Cutting Diary
Clarity
June 13th, 2011. 10:49 PM
Clarity, that is one of the most rewarding moments of cutting. The clarity I get afterwards. The calm, the rapid heartbeat, feeling every artery in my body pulse, my mind quiet. That's why.
Before I cut, my head is going going going (or I am suppressing thoughts that are about to burst). I can't focus, I can't pin down one thought. Do I do this or that? Do I go right or left? What do I say?
It doesn't matter if I talk about it, it doesn't matter if I write it out, my head is still swirling. Going constant with possibilities. Yes, people can give their opinions, but how do I know what they think is right? How can I be sure that their advice wont backfire? I can't be, I never can be.
So my head keeps going going going.
And in the end when I say, "fuck it" that's when I get my moment of peace. After that slice, after I dig into my flesh, my body slumps.
Sometimes, my mind goes silent. Other times, the solution, what I need to do, is suddenly very clear.
I love that clarity, that after glow.
I hate having to get up, clean up, and walk away.
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