Hailey

The Cutting Diary
2011-06-14 03:49:32 (UTC)

Clarity

June 13th, 2011. 10:49 PM

Clarity, that is one of the most rewarding moments of cutting. The clarity I get afterwards. The calm, the rapid heartbeat, feeling every artery in my body pulse, my mind quiet. That's why.

Before I cut, my head is going going going (or I am suppressing thoughts that are about to burst). I can't focus, I can't pin down one thought. Do I do this or that? Do I go right or left? What do I say?

It doesn't matter if I talk about it, it doesn't matter if I write it out, my head is still swirling. Going constant with possibilities. Yes, people can give their opinions, but how do I know what they think is right? How can I be sure that their advice wont backfire? I can't be, I never can be.

So my head keeps going going going.

And in the end when I say, "fuck it" that's when I get my moment of peace. After that slice, after I dig into my flesh, my body slumps.

Sometimes, my mind goes silent. Other times, the solution, what I need to do, is suddenly very clear.

I love that clarity, that after glow.

I hate having to get up, clean up, and walk away.




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