hopelessly bored

trial and error
2011-06-13 17:37:36 (UTC)

rage

you know, sometimes i think most of my anger and anxiety stem from my femininity.

actually, i am sure this is the case.

i get angry sometimes at the STUPIDEST shit, and when i ask myself why...

it's because it's something that reminds me of my inferiority. and i hate it.

most painfully often, this is the case with my boyfriend, or my brother, or any other man in my life.

i truly enjoy the company of these men. i love them. but at times they can really make me feel like i'm worth less than them. it pisses me off.

the other day, i was mowing the lawn, and kyle came out and tried to tell me i was doing it wrong.

i got so pissed off because i automatically assumed he thought i couldn't do it right because i'm a girl, and i told him to do it himself.

and later when i apologized for over-reacting and told him why it upset me, he said that thought hadn't even crossed his mind.

i don't know. i often wish i was a man.

i'm not like, you know, a tranny or anything, and i don't think i AM a man, but i hate being inferior.

and i truly believe i am inferior to men. i mean... i am. women are. there is really no way of getting around this.

that's not to say that women can't be remarkable people.

the person i respect more than anyone else in the whole entire world is my mother. she is the strongest person i know. i hope that i am growing into the kind of woman that will make her proud.

i don't know, just some thoughts. maybe i need to learn to accept my sexuality before i can ever overcome this kind of shit.

i mean. it's not putting a serious damper on achieving anything in my life, and i think that's because i have such an incredible female role model in my life (my mother)

i just don't want it to become a burden on my relationship. just something i've been thinking about.




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