Joan

Chapter 34.5
2011-05-23 13:31:33 (UTC)

Skipped Entry

My-Diary.org website was down so I entered this on my own... now I'm going back to add it.
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I know, I know, I'm doing this to myself. Fuuuuuuck.

He came over tonight to be with Lincoln while I took Henry to hip hop. When I got home he wanted to know what all I needed done - so I showed him. No big deal.

Outside as he was leaving he asked me to watch calling him. :oops: He said it hasn't caused any problems yet (for him and Jennifer) but he doesn't want it to. I told him that he doesn't have to do anything for me, he is my first choice, but I can find someone else. He said that he wanted to do the things for me that he told me he would.

I apologized for calling/texting him and every single time I do, I regret it right away. I know it is making it worse on us both.

I asked him what make him switch, what made him go from loving me one day to being done with me the next. He only answered it by saying it was slipping away the last year of our relationship.

So we got into that conversation, again. I apologized up and down, right and left. Told him that I did make a horrible mistake and it was the biggest life lesson ever. I told him that I didn't realize how much I loved him until I had lost him. I didn't know how much I loved Morgan until it was too late. I would do anything on God's green earth to redeem myself. I ruined 5 lives with my actions. I loved him and would marry him tomorrow.

He listened, again, letting me pour my heart out. It touched him more than before, he got agitated and said "Fuck you for what you did" or something that contained "Fuck you". eh. I deserve it. I fucked up.

He kept glancing at his watch and said he had to go, he had to go get ready for work. I told him I loved him and I started crying so I came inside.

Just as I was talking myself into giving up hope, tonight gave me a smidge of hope.

Honestly, I'm surprised how much I'm not bothered by him being "with" her. We were both with other people before so I guess I'm looking at it like that. I just don't care, I love him. I want him back.




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