All that is
mi little paccalino
fine i admit it. i have an obsession. o's become my obsession. so much so i wondered that i even googled ' how to know if you're obsessed' and i think it kinda described some of my online activities to a t. i'm so puzzled i wonder what it is about him that has triggered this strange behaviour of mine. mind you, not that this behaviour is totally unlike anything i've ever done before. but it's just that this one feels chronic. like it's not going away. i think it may be the mixture of he lives far away, and he's a musician who many like, and yet he's told me some very sweet things. he's also said he'll call me on skp, but i don't know if we've missed eachother -he was online the other day i went bowling, on sunday, and i messaged him after he asked me when i would be around so he could skype me, i msged back saying i'm goin cycling now, but i'll be online tonight later around 11pmish londres time, and if he's on he should message me and i'll come on. I'm not too familiar with skype etiquette and how formal or informal calls are. but now looking back, when i said those things about being around at 11 ish londres time, it probably sounded a bit serious and like 'let's set aside time to talk' - like a date.. which probably put him off i don't know, cos basically i ended up not talking with him that night.. but then he was online, that night when i got back, and having never seen him online ever i assumed he was on cos of the message i sent. there was no message from him saying 'come online' but i took his 'online' skp status as my invitation. plus it was around the same time i said too, 11. i also noticed he'd put a pic of himself on his skp profile, that he hadn't done before. at first it was completely blank. then anyway i went on all excited, waiting and expecting him to call (this was after i'd spent considerable time applying some makeup), and i waited. nothing. i thought 'who's meant to say something?' i've just come on now and he's been here first, (waiting for me??) and so is it rude to wait for him to say hello? i should do something. but he said HE'D call ME. then as i tend to do in such situations, i justify my next regrettable move by putting him in a subordinate position in my mind. 'lonely boy' i thought. in the most endearing of ways obviously. then i msged him saying'h hey..' and then i waited. and waited. minutes passed. as i thought 'well he must be on another call, or else why would he not reply me?? that's awfully rude isn't it?? but just cos he's in a call doesn't mean he can't see that i msgd him, surely, it should notify him, right? i googled it. according to various google results, you can msg some1 else whilst on google. anyway, i thought well i'm not gonna be online so he can see me 'waiting for him' so i went invisible and chatted o chesi. when i changed my status again to online, i saw that he'd gone offline.. boohoo. i was so upset at having to take off my makeup, and not even having the chance to put it to good use... i felt so tragic. another episode in a series of other tragedies in my life.
so the next day, he mailed me with not much of a msg. just said 'hey! i'll be on like midday tomorrow!' dunno if he saw my message of 'hey hey'... or what. at least ask 'how was cycling...?' then anyway, i thought eff u, i'm not replyng. so i didn't reply on the day, and i didn't reply or come online on the day after (anyway i had to see rico about my work so missed him maybe) but neverheless, i went online as soon as i got back and saw he'd been on twitter around his midday... (more testament to my obsessions) which made me wonder if he ever did come on at all. i mean just send me a message saying come online etc.. but nope.so anyway, i didn't reply till late yesterday (2 days after his midday msg) and i just said 'did you hear of nneka eegbuna..you might like her etc) the thing is, its not a msg that blatantly constitutes a reply, it's not a direct question. i said have u heard of so and so, listen to this. so if he doesn't wanna talk to me, he won't have to reply. but if he does, then it's kinda testing to know right? dunno so that was yesterday. i was expecting to hear from him today, but nothing. even though he's been online a lot today. so he's definitely seen my message, just hasn't replied to it... if he doesn't then shall i abandon ship (till july?) dunno. i really wanna see him again tho. but msg wise, he's not much of a chatter. not that i've seen anyway. so dunno how to maintain contact. plus there's the fact that i asked to kiss him. he might have thought about that a lot more and thought 'weirdo'/stalker/creep...dunno, so all that combined makes anything there is quite precarious. he'll probably forget about me in the next few weeks or so. but will he remember me in july when he's back? what's annoying is that i'm in that bubble where i'm so into some1 that i don't have the capacity to fancy or indulge in someone else. it's just him i want. but he's away... waaaaahhhh!