z2smith

z2Smith
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2011-05-17 17:05:27 (UTC)

I need to start running with freedom….too tense.

My wife just got back from a break in Africa (her brother got married there) with our daughter. She really enjoyed herself. It was a good break for me too, as I was able to see what it is like to run the house without my wife being around. It was quit cool and the boys and I (with my niece) enjoyed ourselves. I moved mountains to surprise her by changing the carpets , cushions and the (furniture) throws, I eventually got all I needed and transformed the living room before she got back. Picked them up at airport after 2 hrs delay/waiting but it was good as her sister’s husband was also there waiting for his wife. They (the sisters) travelled together. We had a very good conversation and I was able to open up to him about the whole ‘thing’ that happened and he also told me about the difficulties in his marriage and I was so surprised at certain things he said, some very shocking. Just goes to show how difficult most marriages are.

I am getting much better but still getting tense on certain things that wouldn’t have worried me before. Even though I know it is innocuous I still cant help getting tense. I wish all these tension will go away. When ever I see my wife on the phone I get tense, it seems to me that all the plots on TV right now is about extra marital affairs (that makes me tense), whenever I am with my boys and discussion goes to man, wife, marriage, affairs etc I just get so tense. When my wife goes out to the hairdressers or supermarket I get tense. I really hate this. I really wish I could make all these tension go away. I think it still boils down to the damage in the total trust I had and I am struggling to adapt from the big change from having total trust in my wife to where I am now where I just don’t know what to think. Everything else is fine and we have a good relationship but it was a sever shock to me and I reckon I am still recovering. Also, I have this nagging chest pains that come and go. Feeling tense will definitely not help so I need to find a way to relax more. On that note, it is appropriate to mention that I will be going to Barcelona for the Formula 1 race this weekend with my friend. He was the friend I turned to, on the day I discovered the email…cool guy so should be fun. I asked my wife (and his wife) to come along but my wife has a charity race to run on the same day as the race so she can’t make it.

Can I ask a question? I know this happened to most of my friends, by now they would have confronted the 'boss' and have a 'clear the air' with him which may lead to anything.....she was very keen on me to meet him but I refused primarily because I can't say for sure what went on (so don't want to look stupid) and all he would do would be to put on some kind of charm to convince me nothing happened which may be true but I just think I don't know all the facts...I am learning to live with that, which is not easy cos every time a conversation (I am having with pple or listeningreading to in the media) leads to something similar it is like a dagger to my heart....hence the tension, but I am getting better.

My question....I'm I too soft to just let it go without having a man to man with him or am I more of a man by taking the difficult route of letting it go?

I asked a very good friend of mine this question…and the response was…..

“As for the 'boss', you really shouldn't look at the choice of meeting himnot meeting him as a test of your masculinity.
For me it is a choice of practicality and productivity. If you feel he will just try to charm you and put on a front like he's not a slimy so and so, though nothing happened with your wife, but just to convince you to see him in a different light I would say sounds like a waste of time and not a productive use of your time.

However, a meeting just may help you mentally to move on. Even just to see his face and let him know in a subtle way not to flirt with your wife and that your marriage is stronger than ever and that she'd never fall for a slimy toad like him.
Give it some thought anyway...”

My response to that was

“My intelligent guess is that the 3rd point is probably true but I am reluctant to risk that assumption.

Also i think my reaction of going to see a solicitor would have sent a strong msg.....any whiff of anything and it is the end.....he would know that.

I made a strong statement when she told me he wanted to meet up....I said she should tell him to give me his wife's details and after I send her pics and msges then we are square and can then meet up. We (as a couple) on the surface at least have moved on, she may be a bit confused if I now want to meet up. The more I think of it the more I think it is smarter not to meet up it is just that sometimes my animal instincts strike and i so want to 'fight' for my 'patch'. But all in all based on what i know and may not know I think the smart money should be on not meeting him which maintains a bit of mystique as i know (well she says) she eulogises me to him when she tells him to change his ways with all his activities which is what she says was 'the general thing that was' happening.

The truth is that travelling and leaving her at home scares me. I know I am probably worrying about nothing but can't help it.”

I need to start running with freedom….too tense.


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