Tarja

SunsetTears
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2011-05-15 19:46:56 (UTC)

I'm tired

So the other day I went to school and we were supposed to be doing this trust walk thing. Well, I didn't really trust all that many people. So I chose the one person I do trust. Who happens to be my little sister's best friend.

Now I trust this young lady just fine, because I know that she would never intentionally do anything to lose someone's trust. She's just that kind of person.

Anywho, she went first wit the blindfold. I walked her up and down some stairs. Through corridors in the school. It went all fine and dandy until we switched.

I put on the blindfold and we started walking around the school. Soon I came up to this person, and I know this gentleman, and he wacked me on my bottom. Whatever, he's that kind of person. Brush it off, right?

So I keep going. Then there's this other guy that comes along. And he's the only guy there that I trust. The other two who I trust in this class are away for something or another. And it's going good until this guy comes up to me and starts to tickle and run. I'm getting more and more pissed as time goes on.

First, I don't like being "attacked" by someone I don't know where or who is. I find out who it is soon enough, but I can't see him. I'm seriously getting scared. And that just ticked me off. He knows I don't like people behind me, or in a place I can't see them.

So I get done with the day and I'm walking home, more like running, and I'm crying tears of frustration. I should be able to trust these people not to do something stupid. But NOOOOO. They all just think 'oh, it's okay to freak her out, she can't kick us when she's blindfeld'. Evil pricks.

So I'm about to the point where I want to cry. Not out of sadness, but out of anger and frustration. My sister isn't much help either. She's constantly getting into fights with me.

Sometimes I just want to fun away. But where would I go? I can't go anywhere, because nobody would be able/willing to take me in.

I'd probably leave state. I don't want to be here anymore. I'd go live somewhere like Tennesee or Kansas or something. At least I don't know anyone there. And I'm fair certain that people wouldn't be able to tell who my father is. Anywhere we go, there's always someone who knows him. It's become a joke.

Anyways, I guess I'm just tired of all the bullshit that's been going down around me. I just want to scream and run away. Maybe I'll wait until the summer and then leave to where my boyfriend is going. It's not that far, but it's far enough. I don't want anyone to remember me. I almost wish that I could have amnesia. That way I wouldn't remember all the things that are happening to me. I could just go on with life like nothing ever happened.

I was actually thinking about jumping out of a moving vehicle today. Hitting a pole would most certainly make me unable to remember anything. I hoped to not even have remembered my name. Then I could become a whole new person. I'd have a new name and I'd live somewhere where even I didn't know my family. I wouldn't know the business for which they work, I wouldn't recall my friends who only like me because they think that if they try hard enough that they might be able to have sex with me. Which is completely stupid, I'm not that type of girl.

Who knows, maybe I'd forget all the things that I stand for and just go partying every night, and go get drunk as hell. I might lose my virginity the first day after losing all my memories. I could do whatever I wanted. I'm almost eighteen after all.

If I ever lose my memories I'd hope to not have my wallet on me. I don't want any ID. I want to be free of all this hell that surrounds me. I don't think that's too much to ask. Do you?

I might even be happy with my life after an accident. IDK, maybe I'd be totally miserable because I wouldn't remember anyone who loved me.

I almost wish my parents kick me out though. That way I can do whatever I wish. I can leave for another city or state, and they'd never find me. I don't know where I'd go, but it would be far away. I'd have to find work quick, seeing as how I don't have any money. But I'm sure if they kicked me out, they'd let me at least have some of my clothes. I'd finish up the school year, and then I'd leave for somewhere different. I'd be eighteen in October, at that time I don't have to have my parents sign anything.

Especially if they have me emancipated.

If they kicked me out, I hope that that's what they'd do. because then I can do whatever I want, and they can't have a say. Maybe I'd live with one of my gal friends, and then leave for the city over and live with that gal friend, and then I'd make more friends, and I 'd just keep hoping houses. Seems like the only way that I'd get out of here. I just hope that if that does happen, I'm over eighteen and I already have permission form parents to sign off on any papers that I have. It would be really nice.

A lot quicker to leave this hell hole.

I have to go, people are yelling and I don't want them to read this. That would be bad.

Tarja


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