Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2011-05-05 04:23:36 (UTC)

waiting for godot - redux

so, it appears, even though I've solved most of my problems, other than a few temporary monetary ones, the outlook, while not so grim, is a veritable wasteland of wasted opportunity, wasted money, wasted time, wasted effort, and ultimately, for the moment, I'm totally, just.. wasted.

I don't know what I'm doing. Here. there. anywhere. I'm lost in La Mancha, I've no where to go, and no one to go with even if I did have a place to go. something to do, go, be. I'd call it an existential crisis, but, I'm hardly the philosophical, and even if I was, I'm already aware of who I am. that is quite plain to anyone, the problem being, I don't like who I am, and I can't seem to fight past the apathy, lethargy, and mild despair I seem to have fallen back into.

sigh. I don't what I'm doing here. I know I don't want to be here. But I also don't want to be anywhere else either. How bizarre is that? I feel like if I move, again, it'll just be back to another place wherein I feel lost, and will spend time wasted, money, and means, and whatever else.

thats the problem with running away from yourself. you're always there, no matter where you go. I would escape somewhere, but, reasonably, there isn't anywhere to escape to. even if I could, the issue of wanting to, seems to creep into the equation. which in retrospect, I aught not to have left vancouver. but at the time, I was in that whole "fight or flight" frame of mind, and I have grown oh so weary of fighting. it's just that much easier to run. keep running. but, to what end? this is the question.

I seem to have landed in that ephemeral trap. I leave one place, declaring, "it'll be better there!" and it is, for a brief moment, only to come to realize, "it was better back where I was", and I seem to be constantly doing it. Ping Ponging back and forth in some endless game. I've traveled back and forth between Ottawa, and Vancouver, 3 times in the last 5 years. Ottawa and Montreal twice, and I've pondered the unwise choice of doing it again. I know its unwise.

but knowing something is unwise, and putting yourself down into the dirt, and fermenting those illustrious "roots", seems like nothing but a haze filled dream. September is the "go" date for the Philipines with Liam. Or rather, it's when I get my moula again, and could afford to go. And as much as I really want to, I don't know if I want to as much as I think I do. It's not a matter of enjoying myself. that I know I could, would, but then we're just back to where I am now.

I am, where I am. I'll always be, Me. escape from myself would be nice.