All that is
bloom or doom
i don't think i'm well. i'm having another one of my episodes. and i need to come out of it fast or else i'm doomed.
part of it is cos of this o. like nothing's happened and i don't know why i'm behaving this way. is this what it'll be like if i was with a guy and was falling in love or something. not being able to do anything. i realise i frighten myself at times. i'm worried that i won't find love, and at the same time, i'm worry when i think i might. some people can detach themselves and retain some objectivity and practicality, and not have their academic or professional affairs come to a grinding halt. but these qualities aren't my strong point and i fear that i'll be one of those people who when they find love, their lives will revolve around the object of this love.
i think i seem to think that self sacrifice and suffering and heightened and potentially (self) destructive emotions are an inevitability of true, true love. obviously this cannot be the case.
i mean i'm being really strange way beyond my normal level of strangeness. i can't and almost refuse to do anything productive. don't know what's up with me. i know its not normal. i don't wanna see anyone either. i was supposed to see him today, and then i cancelled. i;ve been having really strange dreams too. like scary ones. not scary as in ghost scary, but just dreams where i'm feeling really really afraid. and they always comes up when i get like this. in last night's dream i was sleeping rough for some reason, and i was sleeping in subway undergroundy place like the one in patchway, with some other homeless people. and then i meet this girl, kinda chubby, and quite lovely and she kinda reminds me of that girl ella who we were all playing guitar with last week, with ols, and she started talking about something and me and a group of other people ended up walking back to her place. and then we had to climb this really really really tall ladder up to her flat where she lived, and when i got to the top of the ladder, i realised how high i'd climbed. i looked down and knew if i slipped, i'd definately be dead. every time i looked down, i panicked. like i was distressed. but i had to stay still. and the whole platform that the ladder led onto was kinda shaky, and it was planked, with large gaps between the planks so you could see straight down. i could see how high i was. i was petrified. then i looked to my right and there stood 2 guys on a more safe looking platform, chatting. one of them was ryan gosling for some odd reason. and i called out for either of them to help me. ryan looked my way, and made some sort of gesture about it being not so bad, i think.. but he didn't do much. he wasn't very nice either. i remember thinking what an asshole. and when i woke up too i thought 'ryan gosling is a dickhead'.. and what was worse was i was scared to go back down. it reminded me of being in that zoo in nigeria when i was 4 yrs old or so, and having to walk across that plank they used as a foot crossing over the crocodile pit. with that guy saying 'come on, come on, it fine' that feeling of panic that if i made one move, even though i knew how to walk straight, i would still somehow end up walking off the plank. and then at some point the panic must have subsided because i wasn't too scared anymore, and this chubby lady was inviting me inside her flat. i said no, i had to go. although i do remember going inside her flat, at some point and seeing one of her bedrooms, and i think she was some kind of artist as she had a canvass and easel and some paint on her bed. it was an empty room, and i took a small peek. not sure what happened next. in another dream i was on the strand, and i was coming out of what i think was a show or a performance of some sort, and i spotted a few rms girls i went to school with outside and i think they were together. i was with someone myself, but i don't remember who. then i saw izzy, and i tried calling her name a few times but she didn't hear me. then i ran after her, and jumped on her back. i'm not sure what happened next, but i remember lying down with a girl and really affectionately caressing her face and her hair. can't say who the girl was, but she was white, dark blonde, or light brown hair. i remember the scene to be softly coloured, almost low in saturation, or black and white. i think the girl was asleep. what the fuzz could all of this mean, if anything at all??