Nikas Thoughts
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2011-05-08 10:19:00 (UTC)

Birthday.. Yum..

So I have my 22nd birthday coming up... I have nothing arranged but a movie date with mom..yay! As well as a family dinner planned for the evening. How lame ?? I don't know when I have become so resentful toward family dinners, But it is evident now that I am.
I'm so dreading the interaction and the obligation of actually talking to my family. They aren't on the same level as I am.. in saying that I'm not ranking anything. I simply mean that we are on different wave lengths. I love them but I don't love their drama and baggage they like to dump on my mom, then she dumps on me. It's really stressful, and seeing them all under one roof kinda drives me crazy. They all act as if nothing is wrong... I know better. I may be oblivious at times but I am fully aware of the drama lying beneath the mask of bubbly smiles.
So anyway yeah... the big 2-2!!! I have literally NO enthusiasm in regards to my birthday. It's just looking so boring and average.. none of my family has done any different for their birthday. I wanna do something absolutely exciting.. a birthday memory worth reminiscing over 20 years from now.. when I have kids of my own celebrating their birthdays.
I just feel so average and normal.. but I also feel so abnormal and otherworldly. It's like I'm walking in shoes that belong to somebody else. Whatever that means on a deeper level, I hope to find out. I want this extravagant life story .. But I have the average welfare case story. I live month to month on $249.. I depend on my mom paying the bills. She pays for everything.. I chip in where I can. I'm kinda scared of independence ..yet I crave it like I would ice cold water while in the desert.
Where is my life going? What is it going to become? I think I am at.. no I KNOW that I'm at a standstill right now. Which is harsh because I know how I could change that.. It's just the steps in order to do so..that kinda hurt to think of. I have been feeling stuck and lethargic in regards to doing school work. It just feels like this giant boulder.. in front of me.. and It appears rather huge. My fear is ..once I do that what's next? This is only the beginning... is a mountain going to be behind this boulder? So many questions and nobody that can answer them but me.
My birthday is only a reminder of the sick and depressing routine of yet another year going by and me not living my life for me.
Granted I enjoy .. most days.. of my life up to this point. I still want more from it.. Here's to hoping 22 will be better!! May it be full of exciting things to do and perhaps bring in funds =)!

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