LifeKills

Depressed Teen
2011-05-07 18:50:32 (UTC)

May 7,2011

Heey,
I talked to Thomas last night, he told me that there is another girl that he likes. Hearing that, broke my heart into a million tiny pieces. So now, I have no chance. He'll never want to be with me, when Im here, and this other girl he would get to see everyday. I felt like someone punched a whole in my chest. Now I have to hide it, I cant let people know that Im this broken. I know it sounds stupid, like im 15 and obseesing over this guy, but i mean, he is my life.
SO many people have told me the same thing about the meds Im on. that its just like if you have a cold and you take medicine, but they couldnt be more wrong. Depression is a imbalance of the chemicals in your brain, its not like a stupid little cold. I am on Ciprolax. Being on meds only makes me feel worse. Like I cant deal with this alone.
My sister is leaving for a trip on Thursday, im dreading her leave, simply because i dont wanna be alone with my mother for 4 days. Im gonna die. But it may be a good time just to get some alone time. All I know is that there is a good chance that ill die. My mom will drive me to death.
Confusion takes over my life sometimes. I mean, there is so much to think about, and theres always 2 sides to every story. Its hard. Its that stupid part of my brain that decides its going to second guess everything Ive ever known or belived. Isnt it lovely. Now im starting to question whether Thomas has meant everything he's ever said to me. I know that everything Ive even said to him Ive meant. I know I sound like some super clingy person right now, but i feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
I am happy. My smile is true. Well, at least thats what everybody believes.
Its going to get more diffucult to hide my cuts and scars. I mean, its starting to become shorts and tank-top whether. Wheere Ill be wearing my bikini alot! How am I gonna hide it? I guess Ill have to figure something out. I cut again last night, right after i finished talking to Thomas. I didnt even remember doing it, until I woke up and saw my arm, blood dried all down my arm. WOrst part of it, was that last night I has a sleepover with 2 of my bestfriends, but that didnt stop me! Its really really pathetic, but I dont plan on stopping anytime soon.

- LifeKills




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