Nikas Thoughts
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2011-05-07 13:14:44 (UTC)

Too Much Time

So .. I've been having this uncontrollable urge to write lately..
I peg it as having far too much time on my hands, But Perhaps I am being inspired to reach outward and hopefully find a hand to grasp? I don't know.. the fucked up thing is I'm not sure if I'm happy or not!
Here's the thing... I'm in love or infatuated with one of my very best friends, Melissa. She is by far the most adorable woman I could have had the pleasure of semi-meeting, and hopefully officially meet. I'm happy that she's in my life, and that we compliment each others personality. She's very confident, at least online via paltalk. She makes me smile, though our sense of humor is not always the same we manage to make the other laugh =).
But our friends .. almost unanimously don't like what they see from
the outside perspective. They seem to think I'm only setting myself up for heartache. They're late on that one. After Katie and being so close to meeting her, for her to bail and it ending like it never began. That was more than enough to break my heart into a million pieces. Needless to say.. Melissa has been good for me.
She doesn't have criticism ready for me, nor does she ever intend on having it for me. She makes me feel like.. I'm wanted. That I actually contribute to something important.
I cannot believe I fucked up so bad. We weren't talking,and if I even made a small attempt .. I was shot down. This happened sometime last month. I stupidly decided to take what Kim was saying and bring it into an argument we had.
An argument I started, because I'm a jealous fool.But how am I to think when she inflates the ego of an engaged man? She may just be bullshitting.. but it hurts. She calls me her wife shouldn't that account for something? Isn't that technically being committed? Not only does she call me her wife, but she says I'm her best-est best friend.
That's why it hurts so much when I have seen her flirtatiously talk to
him in text. The way she reacts when he's on cam..or used to. I feel like I'm being cheated on right before my eyes.. and I allow it to go on. I didn't like that...

Why can I not just have friends that just give in and say fuck it, I will do this for Tina, she would for me.
I love my wifey .. She means a whole lot to me and I would never ask anybody to change how they feel, Why would they wish I had change of heart?
I am stuck in this whirlpool of infatuation.. and I don't want to leave it, because this is all I know.
I have always had the love for something or someone. I always will, thing is I can't help for where the love is directed.
Love is like a wildfire, you cannot tame it or direct in which path it's going.
If there's damage done, I would not regret one scar on my heart.Because in the scars lay strength.. perseverance and a life lesson.
Those scars when they were fresh, were not thought of as useful..But
now that I reflect, they are reminders in why I took the leap of
faith. What is the heart for, But for risk and to take a chance?
If we did not allow others in our hearts, the world would be a very lonely place. I am comfortable in my infatuations. I love my friends,regardless as to whether or not we met online or in person. Friends
are friends to me.
If you have talked and confided with a person at some point or another, you have spoken to a friend. Relationships are not based wholly on physical contact. I personally believe a relationship, such as friendship is more complex.
This is why I have never referred to friends I know in person as "real life friends". I'm satisfied with all the beautiful souls that have touched my heart.
They will forever remain a part of me and I will always treasure the
good things.

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