All that is
i really am a complete fuck up, in every sense of the word.
he's turned me into a brazen little whore. i fucked up a great chance on tuesday the other night. was in the back seat of a car with o.p believe it or not, and i touch his chin, he doesn't respond by turning, so i look at him and he looks at me, then i say rather brazenly, or sweetly (i really don't know) 'can i kiss you..?' and he replies "uh..i'm not ready for that...." at this point, i can't believe this is happening. the signs weren't all there, i mean i could have and should have waited to get more affirmations, but we only had about 10 mins in the car left, if that, and we'd say our goodbyes till july or so.. so i was like.. i'd like something to think of. and i said fuck it, and with reckless abandon, just went for it. and it back fired in my muthafucking face. i blame ben. i blame him for defiling me, and i blame every other arsehole i've ever fucked. it made me realise that i now move on a different pace, because that's what's been expected of me. he soo wasn't on the same page as me. maybe if i'd given it time. dunno. but then he said 'don't worry we'll go out...' and i just kept on apologising...
it's like that's what i expect now, like that's the norm. i'm completely sexualised. i need to take it down a notch. he probably wasn't expecting it at all... and then i go ahead and do that. sure we'd exchange so v. flirtatious look etc.. but dunno. then i don't even remember how we said goodbye what either one of us said. i'll stop going on about it now. i just can't believe i fucked it up tho. what's wrong with me. that's never happened before... and who the fuck asks that question anyway?? next time, i'll trust my instincts. i mean i was following my instintcts, but they kinda got clouded in the last 10 mins or so with me thinking time's running etc, and god knows what else. so now back to sq 1. and the thing is at the end of the show, we were getting on so well. he came and sat down next to me and we talked and he asked me where i was from etc. it was like a private convo. don't belive he's one half of the p.b. but honestly, i'm writing this right now because i'm concerned. about myself. i just think of sex all the time now. not sure if its to do with last week gone when i had like 3 guys in 4 days or so. two new ones. so now its 9 guys i've been with i think. should i promise myself that the tenth guy will be someone worth it? but its not like i don't try. i like these people, but it just never seems to work out. ok for the last two guys i kinda new it wouldn't i mean. phil - i knew i was in it just for the season, till my loneliness subsided, yes i slept with him, no i don't regret it, but i still knew at the time that our days were numbered. I kind of liked it. I enjoyed being ominous like that. then there was frederic. i say was, even though i we've not officially stopped with each other yet, but i've not heard from (or thought of) him for a bit now, and i don't feel any sadness, any regret, or any hurt. don't know why that is. usually i should feel something, but i don't. i'm sure it's the fact that i saw ben the other night. and when i see him every other man in my life at the time seems to pale in comparison. so perhaps the ..whatever it is that i should have felt was just not felt cos of him. dunno. i think something's happened to me, and i'm only just realising it. i think my skin got tougher. it rolls off my back a lot easier. don't know if that's such a good thing considering the back seat of the car incident with O.p.. maybe if i wasn't so ..as i am now, it wouldn't have happened. but one has to be protective of themselves. i don't know what to do now. cos it's like every guy i meet, i assume wants sex from me, so i say well if this is the only thing they want, and if they're particularly attractive, then i'll say well i want it too, so let's do it, that's all i'll give them. i won't bother playing any fucking games, only to find out all they wanted you for in the first place was a shag. but it'll just hurt even more when you discover this truth after 3 weeks of pining and questioning if he really likes you or what. and when you do, you'll have spent 3 weeks, not being able to concentrate, or do much cos of a dick head. phil wasn't like that. but i didn't truly want phil.
I remember when i first was waiting to hear back from ben. for 2-3 weeks straight after he stopped talking to me, i was like the walking dead. i couldn't do anything - work eat sleep, didn;t want to, i was so depressed, couldn't work, it was terrible. then he finally decided to get back to me that morning when i was getting over him... if he'd left it at that, and had never gotten in touch again, i wonder how i'd be.
but bottom line, i really like o.p. and i hope he comes back in july. gosh he's probably told sebastian, omg, i'm so embarrassed. i wanted to message him today, but elemchi said don't, it'll seem like you're thinking about it. so i didn't i think that's probably the best thing. sometime in june after i submit my project, i'll msg him saying.
I hope you guys enjoyed yourselves when you were down here.
did you listen to nneka egbuna?
p.s. a little less embarassed than 1 month ago..
fuck it. dunno.