z2smith

z2Smith
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2011-05-03 09:27:10 (UTC)

Finding Happiness

My greatest battle now is to find happiness and peace within myself. I can’t remember what these feels like. The first thing I have to do is make peace with God. This involves a lot of sacrifice. My first duty at the start of the day will be to pray. The last thing I do before I sleep will be to pray again. I can’t be a hypocrite, so between these prayers my actions, thoughts and words have to be in line with what God requires of me. This will not be easy but it is a journey I think I am prepared for. My wife clearly is making an effort in our marriage, I can see that and I am happy about that but it is also obvious that we both need to work harder and improve our relationship. There is only one way this can be done, I lead from the front. My wife is very good at responding and adapting as long as the pace is not too much. This is what I plan to do. I want to make her fall in love with me even deeper than she does. I want to be more attractive to her in every sense of the word more by being very diligent and focused on my targets in life. I can be easily derailed, and all the things that are frustrating me in my marriage will be the beauty I find in someone else, I can go seek and find crazy sex with other people, the world we leave in now, all these things are possible with a click of the mouse. But I am focused and prepared for the task ahead of me. Just before Christmas I was at peace as a man, the biggest joy a man has is to see his wife and children happy and content, this just gladdens his heart. This is the most fundamental and what a man builds on to go out there (with confidence) and achieve. I am really struggling to recapture that. I guess with time things will begin to fall in place as I still (no matter how much I try) do not fully trust my wife. I am more sensitive to all her movements and actions, but I try to caution myself to relax more and take it easy. It is very easy to become paranoid. I will have to get on with my life and live with this paranoia until it (hopefully) goes a way…but God, I hate her boss with a passion….it is ironic as initially I was so happy that he was there to guide her and propel her in her career but I think he is (at the very least) extremely unprofessional and lacks respect. He has not respected me as a man. Sometimes I am so pushed to arranging a meeting with him but again I curtail myself….what exactly will I achieve from that…he is not going to tell me anything new…and worse I may make a fool of myself as I might not even know an iota of the goings on between them. The most difficult thing I have had to do in recent times is not to kick off and tell my wife that she shouldn’t continue to work with him. It is very difficult knowing they interact every day and so there is always an opportunity or temptation to continue there non business relationship whatever that is. It is a shame as I don’t think I will be capable of fully trusting my wife again and it breaks my heart. But I will fight for our marriage because I know it is better for us to be together for ourselves and for the kids because we are both capable of showing immense love to each other. One thing that still upsets me though is the watch I bought her over Xmas that she says is at work, she never bothered to adjust the strap and wear it even if she doesn’t like it, I don’t think I can ever get myself to buy anything expensive for her again, time will tell. I need to now release myself and target my career, business, finance, kids, marriage and other objectives I have set myself. These are the things I want to concentrate on. I have spent too much energy thinking of negative things and still do, it takes too much of my thinking time. One thing I have learnt over the years is patience, things will always come to you at sometime, instead of getting inpatient just prepare yourself to capitalise when it does happen. I hope to find deep happiness again someday.


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