All that is
3 different guys in one week. On wednesday with frederic, on Friday night with Kai and yesterday night with the infamous ben.A. I think i'm in love with him. I hope i'm not, but i just can't help feeling this ache in my chest when the morning comes and he displays signs of not caring, and avoidance. i mean that would hurt with anyone, but with him it especially does so. i don't know it's because i hold him in higher esteem than other guys i've been with and so such treatment from him seems like it has reasonable validation. i don't know. there is such and innocence about him like last night when we talked and laughed, and then he read to me - just like from the new york times 2 reviews, and then a few other things he read. then he'd find a funny part and read it, and say 'i'll find you another funny one..' then when there was a word (encomium) that he didn't know he was like to me 'what's that?' then he said 'let's find out' was so cute. then he'd show me his trailer to his film and wanted me to be impressed. like he'd read the comments below on youtube. there's that part of him which i can't help but warm to. this innocence, and trueness and openness, it endears him to me. so even when i hate hi, he still manages to find his way back in. then we started talking about cooking and then he brought out his cook book he'd just purchased and we went through it together talking about food etc. i've known him since i was 19. i'm 22 this summer. that's 3 yrs ive known him. tho its only been sex. but it just hurts that it means nothing other than that to him. not even friendship. it hurts because i wouldn't mind just being his friend. in fact that's what i would like. for him to see me like that, to talk to me like that. but the way he talks to me especially by text is just so brash. not even a simple 'hey' anymore. just a 'you around?x' no 'how's are you?' 'how's uni etc?' Surely after this long I should deserve more than that. but it's almost as if he dare not go there for fear i'll think too much of it and become attached. so he always sets the tone - we fuck. no more. He must do it deliberately. For all his innocence etc, there's no way he can't be doing it deliberately. I don't know.
Ben's been my biggest cause of emotional turmoil, romance-wise. I'm on this seemingly never ending train that's all about him. I think about him when someone mentions afghanistan. I think about him every time i see a range rover. I think about him when i see a persian girl, and i can't help but look for him in the faces and personalities of the men I date, and on a few occasions even find him in those men. I can't help but compare them to him, not always in a positive way, but still. I I think about him a lot. And it angers me that he has no idea. Or does he? to him i'm just another thing that will take his mind off whatever. Until yesterday I thought i was over him for good, and maybe i am, and this is just a momentary relapse because i've spent the night with him, but now i know why i don't like seeing him, and why i always avoid him. not because i don't like him, but because i can't handle it. the last two times it was alright with me leaving before the morning. that's the key i think. but last night, it took a turn after the sex, and i let myself play into what i wistfully imagine is a likeness of the kind of romance and love that he will never give to me. and it was sweet, but sad. I couldn't throw myself into it the way i might have done with someone whose feelings matched mine. but clearly i let myself fall into it far enough that i was in tears this morning.
i don't believe i'm still talking about this man. please leave me alone.
phil texted me the other day. Says he's back on wednesday. I didn't reply. Don't think i will.