Experienced Life
2011-04-29 11:49:29 (UTC)

Is the moral Man dead?

Why bother having morals? I ask because if I am a good guy, I fit the same classic scenario of “good guys finish last”. Try as I might, I never get much of a life where I can say I’m happy. I’m not even saying blissfully happy, just your everyday happy.
I guess I’m still letting the Ex get the best of me. She is still saying she wants me back and misses me. I’ve repeatedly told my ex that I want to be left alone. I’ve told her the same stupid common sense stuff a number of times. I’ve told her that we should only talk about the kids and only when it involves the kids.

I told her that I was too tired and no fight in me to be dealing in her world. I can’t play this game of lies, deceit, infidelities, low morals, etc. For example, I told her that she shouldn’t even be talking to me. She should be talking to her man that she is staying with. I told her that it’s wrong to do what she is trying to do and that she can’t have it both ways. Her answer? “ I am wrong and that she isn’t having it both ways”. I can’t believe she doesn’t even have a clue on what I’m trying to tell her. She says she is a good Mom. I don’t think she even believes that. Or do liars go partially blind and not see this? I dunno and I don’t care.

I did ask her again about the kids and if I can have them this weekend. She says she will call me later during lunch. So I told her that it’s the same old shit. I already asked her last night and she still wants to let me know later? So I told her I won’t play her fucking games and will take this as a “no” and that I will shut my phone off if she doesn’t reply. She didn’t so I turned my phone off. This means that I don't see the kids again this weekend. Sorry, when I say talk, I meant texting. Somehow someway, the Ex only communicates via texting. Don’t ask me why, she is just warped.

I know I’m doing the right thing. I know what kind of special person I want and I know it’s not my Ex. The woman I want will be witty. She will have her days when she does stupid stuff and that’s fine and I love that. I would want someone with some morals that still think it’s wrong and disgusting to fool around and to be fooled around on. The woman I want will not try to make her bad situations seem ok or justified. She will know the difference between right and wrong and be able to see this in herself and not try to mask or hide it to make it seem like it’s ok.

The part that sucks is that I’m alone and trying to do the right thing is hard. The night seems to magnify the loneliness and it makes the right decisions even harder to do. I admit sometimes that I should just let the ex come by from time-to-time and we could just do it to satisfy our needs. I know that is what she wants because she knows that the sex with me was great. She always came and she always came hard. Sometimes multiple times.

So here I am. I was too stressed out from text fighting with the ex and called in sick. Being alone isn’t even all that bad. I just want my peace of mind. To be able to go to bed without someone giving me any shit. I don’t want to bother anyone and would like to go to bed without any stress. I would like to wake up feeling just as relaxed. Right now, it’s not happening. I don’t see any peace in the near future.

Morals, honor, being faithful…….. the world doesn’t seem to need people like this anymore.

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