I believe I am still recovering from shock as I can’t get myself to get back to normal regarding my wife. I think I am now winning the battle. On Saturday night I went out with some family friends, my wife could not make it as she was taking out her hair extension. I felt a bit lonely as there were 2 sets of couples, a female friend (separated) and myself. The very next day we all went to the beach with all our children but my wife was always going to do her hair on that day so could not make it. I felt quite lonely on that day and when we eventually got home my wife attended to the kids (by bathing them, putting them to bed etc) but not a word of acknowledgement towards me. All I was looking for was some kind of comfort. I told her about this the next day and we cleared the air, she was very tired as well and it just did not occur to her. I think my expectations of our relationship is too high for her…..something in me has changed as I am looking for more depth in our relationship, I don’t think she can handle that just yet but she says she will try her best and I should also try and make my expectations a bit more realistic….I think today I feel much better and getting back to normality. When I say normality it has been a very hard time for me….whenever she is on the phone texting my heart sinks….I can’t help thinking she is texting him, basically I can’t help but think there is still some kind of carry-on going on between her and her boss….I may be completely wrong and it is probably better for my health to assume nothing and look forward but keep my eyes and ears open. Moreover why should I worry too much about that? If she decides to carry on communicating with him outside work how does that belittle me? Why is that my fault? It will be her problem with him because if I do find out (and I will eventually if such thing is happening) I am off…he can have her.
I have had a tough time….I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy…my relationship with my wife is ‘work in progress’….I think it is more about my state of mind and how much I was hurt by her out of office friendship with her boss….I have been all over the place….but I hope the worst is over for me. The most imposing thing for me was that I had to find something for her to tell me it was him….which makes me think she has not told me the complete truth…but I can’t do anything about that so moved on….my parents also have so many issues with my siblings which really affects me as well and makes me very sad….my finances can be better and I am so well behind with my business projects and career advancements. Sometimes I feel like I need to find someone else to love and give me all the love I am craving for…but realistically I think I have gone past the bus stop….the best person to love giving everything is my wife….and I want to love her….I hope I have the courage and staying power to teach her how to love affectionately. It is simply a battle of if I can sustain my love towards her and keep my expectations real and be mature about the whole situation so she has no choice but to up her game in our relationship…that is the target.