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2011-04-23 17:16:48 (UTC)

5am and I can't sleep

I do often think that I am slightly insane, deranges, or just suffering from some form of mental problem as I can think myself into depression. I always feel that I am a bad person and that people tolerate me. I wish I did not have such a bad temper or such a negative way of looking that things. I am generally grumpy with people at work and tend to see the bad side of everything. This is not good for my mental health but I fear that it is too late in life to do much about it. I wonder if hypnotherapy would work. I doubt it. Hopefully India does not harbour these traits or, if she does, that Brent's good qualities outweigh them and keep them well and truly hidden. She seems good at keeping her feelings in check. Far better than me anyway.

I've been tossing and turning for the past few hours so thought I may as well get up and let Brent sleep. I always sleep badly but tonight it has been worse than usual. Brent tends to snore a little and make noises which seem amplified in the dark, making me stressed out and angry, which in turn stops me sleeping. In my head I go over scenarios of what has happened and what might happen. Right now I am thinking about what a big mouth I have and whether or not I offend people. Brent says I am too sensitive and I am sure his is right in some ways but he doesn't know the way a woman's mind works. I have become friends with the wives of Brent's sporting friends although I really have absolutely nothing in common with them. It was hard to break into their 'gang' but I eventually became accepted. However, the more I listen to them the more I am not sure I want to belong. One in particular is generally very nice but she is also a constant moaner about other members of the circle and I am concerned about what she says about me. Almost every time we meet up she moans about another two women in our extended group who do sometimes do things without her. One of the favourite moans is "well, I think its a bit rude not to invite me/us to ... whatever ..." and then goes on to say, "not that I would go anyway." I can't help thinking that perhaps the don't ask her because they know she will say no. But then again I don't think she would say no because she hates to think she is missing out on anything. I am not sure this makes sense now it is written down at this time of the morning but I know what I mean.

Anyway, back to me being a big mouth. I have always tended to open my mouth and stick my foot in it, it is just the way I am. I really don't mean to offend people but sometimes I just don't think. Plus I really can't be bothered going along with the crowd just because its the thing to do. I guess over the years it has probably meant that people have drifted away from me and I come over quite hard at times. Then of course I get home and can't sleep because I feel bad that I have upset someone. One of the things I was saying tonight was that Michael Hill Jewellers had some pretty awful jewellery, which is true, but I may have sounded like a snob. The I suddenly realised that one of the other girls there had recently got engaged and it could have been that her engagement ring came from there. I tried to extricate myself by saying that the more expensive jewellery was better quality but I felt uncomfortable. Then later we were talking about music and one of the guys was saying his all time favourite music was the 80s. He talks to me a lot because he knows I am very into music too but I think I may have caused another uncomfortable moment when I said that I wasn't that keen on 80s music, probably because I was older and preferred 70s music, plus I thought that 80s music was fairly lightweight and was the beginning of manufactured bands. Now I write this down I think I am probably imagining things but who knows.