2011-04-19 21:39:56 (UTC)

Is anyone out there, out there, out there out there ....

Yesterday I became a voyeur. I was feeling particularly guilty about my negativity so decided to take a peek at other people's diary entries. What did I find? Well, it seems that most people use this site as a platform to vent their anger and frustration; in many ways I am no exception.

If you are in a voyeuristic mood, and you must be to be reading this, I would be most interested to know. My scribbling is really for no-one other than myself, and I do have the sense that I am writing in a dark empty cavern with my words echoing back at me. Or maybe it is because the surround to this page is black that it feels vast and hollow. It would be interesting, if a little weird, to learn that a complete stranger in another part of the world had read my words. Like a bottle washed up on a beach with the message 'help, I am a castaway on an island'. Very interesting but completely useless as I do not know where exactly I am and therefore the finder of the bottle, although intrigued, would be none the wiser either. On the other hand you may be someone I know. The thought of this makes me quite nervous. That someone, a friend or a colleague, might stumble upon my tangled and meandering thoughts and recognise me as the author makes me quite nervous; gives me butterflies in my stomach. This is me playing Russian Roulette with my private life. Of course no-one will know who I am, I don't even know who I am. Crikey what rubbish.

Now back to today's entry:

My moan today is about incredibly dull and frustrating aspects of my job.

It is a real pain, having to create H&S, QA, and Sustainability policies and feeling as though I am the only person with any commitment to carrying them out. Well that is what it feels like anyway. We have to have these structures in place at work and yet no one cares. They don't bring in any money and are, frankly, boring. Who can be bothered, each time they go on site, to check and record possible hazards; who can be bothered to file documents correctly and record them; who wants to drive a small energy efficient vehicle or can be bothered to switch off lights when leaving a room. A trio of doom, gloom, and boredom, hangs over me like weights waiting to fall and crush my will to live. To crush me because if something goes wrong it is my fault. The saying:'you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink', rings true; however, I can't even get the reins on my work colleagues let alone lead them anywhere. I blame the bosses of course. I know everyone blames the bosses, but if they took a more pro-active stance we could change the company culture. It will never happen though. The directors, to a man, have worked for the same company since the year dot, and are quite happy poodling along, picking up their share dividend twice a year; they may agree in principle that we need these policies but in reality they do not have the motivation to change the way we work. True, we have never had a particularly serious injury, but I can see it happening one day, especially as we employ some seriously vacant junior staff who seem to think they are invincible.

I am pretty sure I am well and truly hated, well maybe not hated, but certainly disliked because of my constant nagging. No-one wants meetings so I send emails, chase and re-chase to get an answer. My MD does stand up for me but he is a lone voice and I am not sure how much weight he really carries, apart from the fact that he dishes out the bonuses.