I am angry
I am a very angry man.
I hate what is happening right now. I need to crab the bull by the horn. I can see people accomplishing great things all around me and all I do is feel sorry for myself. I need to get a grip and be a winner I know I can be. The discovery of my wife’s “banter” (as she call it) with her boss as left me shattered, if I am honest and I am still recovering. All well and good for me to say I have moved on and I have in fact moved on but my heart, physically and mentally is still sore. Our relationship is definitely improving and she is in fact making an effort. Our sex live is ok but not as frequent although I am getting used to that and too monotonous with little or no adventure. I really don’t look forward to it as much as I use to. I want adventure and spontaneous in our relationship and sex life which I hope will come with time. During the whole saga she did mention she struggles with sex after our first child was “born”…we have been through a lot together….and it makes me angry that a stranger intruded into our pact. I have thought of many things. Should I seek adventurous sex with other people, should I seek a deeper relationship with someone else? One thing I have come to realise in life is that you are stronger for not doing the things you can do. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should do it, but I am angry. I can’t afford to lose focus, the most important thing are my family, my career and my business….seeking other vanities of live is just a distraction. Sometimes I think I have given her an easy ride…..I need to make her feel threatened, worried about what I am thinking, what I about to do. The thought of that intruder (the bastard) makes me angry and sick. I get mood swings when I think of him….from being just jolly and relaxed I get very angry. I cannot let that dominate my life, I need to focus on the important bit. I want to have great sex with only one person and explore the strength of my love with just that same person. Exploring with someone else or other people is simply futile, it will not sooth the pain or fill the void. It will be a disaster to meet someone else right now as I am so vulnerable and looking for deep love and sex.
God is by my side, I know but I am scared I am going to let him down as I have always done. Since the whole episode started I have been running away from God. I don’t want to talk to him or seek him. I know I am wasting my time, until I renter my covenant with him nothing will happen. He has started to do his bit, I can see it, I just need strength to do my bit.
My work, career and business are suffering. I am not just motivated any more. I can’t wake up in the morning any more. I just lie down there on the bed tired emotionally. I have to fight this to achieve my kismet.
Tomorrow morning I will wake up early pray, exercise, do my business and career work on the pc before going to work…..but my mind is still fighting anger, sexual urge and love. I am a paradox.
I have all the ingredients there just waiting for me to get up and go…..my wife seem to be there for me, I have lovely children, I have the ability to make my business successful and the knowledge to move up the career ladder…..