Lexieloo90

Life as I know it
2011-04-15 07:13:35 (UTC)

is done...

I got the abortion yeterday. It was so painful. I thought they were gonna pull all my insides out. Bt after it was done I was fine. Other than some cramping I've felt fine ever since. I can finally eat again without throwing it up. I can finaly move normally without breaking down in tears from pain. I thought that this was gonna be alot harder on me but its actually been quite easy. I'm completely emotionally numb. I havent cried. I havent felt anything really. I have no remorse. I feel heartless to be honest. My boyfriend actually cried and is feeling so much regret. Hes actually been praying. Asking god to forgive him and tell the baby that he loves it. Its sad but yet I"m uneffected by it. I dont know whats wrong with me. I should feel something..anything. But yet I dont. Its like my emotions have completely shut off. I hate seeing him so upset but yet I cant relate to how hes feeling. And it sucks so much cause now he feels like he cant talk to me about it. And I'm even starting to get where I feel nothing for him. Its like I'm kising a stranger. Everytime he says he loves me or misses me or anything like that I say it back but I dont actually feel that way. When I see him I just want him to leave. I dont really wanna talk to him. I dont really want anything to do with him anymore. He keeps talking about our future together and how excited he is for it and I hate it. Cause he cant see a future without me and I cant see one with him. I"m not sure what it is. He was annoying me constantly while I was pregnant but I thought it was because I was. I thought once the baby was gone that everything would go back to normal but it hasn't. He complains how I'm not affectionate anymore but its because I cant stand to touch him. While I was pregnant he tried to be understanding and be patient with me. Because I was in so much pain all the time I didnt want to be touched or anything. But he still tried and it annoyed me. And he would still push for me to have sex even though I was feeling sick constantly. And even though I was hormonal and couldnt hardly handle my emotions he'd still fight with me and get me worked up and upset. Hed say that he could handle it just to turn around and cry and make me feel like a bad person for the choice I was making and make me take care of him. I think I resent him now because of all this. I dont know. This is all very confusing. I mean my parents dont like him and he cant really get along with them. He doesnt like over half of my frinds and doesnt want anything to do with them or for me to even talk to them really. Hes basically trying to control my life and I cant stand it. I hate hearing talk bad about my parents and my friends. I just wanna lap him everytime he does. I'm just really starting to think that hes not the person I thouht he was and that hes not good for me. Ive got alot to figure out. Just hope that I can soon before this gets to out of hand.




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