DarkEmoPrincessXoxo

DarkEmoPrincessXoxo
2011-04-14 10:32:00 (UTC)

MY STORY

Dear Diary,
Here’s my story… that until you have lived it yourself it is nearly impossible to understand…and even the person I hate beyond hate, I would never want to live this life. Or know how it feels but I just don’t know what more to do…

When I was little I had a great life, awesome parents…ya know family that I didn’t want to kill. I had the best friends and nothing was complicated back then me and my best friend went everywhere together, we basically took turns living each others life. Everything went like that until I was 10. I started getting more responsibilities; my friends started stabbing me in the back. The only person I could really truly rely still was my best friend…and it’s been like that since I met her in first grade. Then slowly and ever more slowly me and my best friend started drifting apart. When I was 10 and a half I started to cut myself and I prayed and hoped that nobody would find out… I knew if my best friend every found out she would yell at me, and then I found out she had a secret of her own…yes she cut herself to. And that didn’t separate us. I think me knowing that she was somewhat feeling the same thing as me made everything easier I made her promise not to tell a single soul and she made me promise the same thing. I kept that promise; I still haven’t broken it to this very day, neither has she. One day I was feeling like a piece of shi* and I called her up to talk to her, she said that the dude I had a crush on had just asked her out…I got mad at her and said what did you say?!? She said I told him to fu** off and was getting ready to call you. I felt better that my best friend had told him no because I knew she had a small crush on him…in fact she had told me. I was still super mad but not at her. I was going to talk to her but my mom had told me to get off the phone or I would be grounded for life… (I don’t doubt whether she would do it or not, I knew she would) so I told my best friend I would call her when my mom was done being such a dumb bitc* she said ok and we got of the phone. I went into the kitchen and I forgot to wear my hoodie and my mom seen my wrist I panicked and I said that my other friends cat had done that and my mom doubted it from the moment I said it, I hoped that they would just let it go and I could just walk away…they did and I went upstairs. I went to send my best friend a message but instead I cracked and I told some random person on the computer that I cut myself and I wish I could stop, and I wish I could tell someone, and I wish I knew what to do…and if I didn’t get help I was sure as hell going to commit suicide. But it turned out the person I told that to was friends with my sister…yeah of course that had to happen… my sister sat me down and asked me about it and I said well… and then she grabbed my wrist and saw the cuts she looked more mad then worried and she said I go tell my mom and dad or she would and I said no please and I started to cry and then she softened up and said she showed me the message and I don’t want to lose you, you’re my younger sister and I need you whether you know it or not. I said but I can’t tell mom she would be too ashamed. And I knew she would so I wouldn’t tell her. My sister went downstairs came back up an hour later and my mom called me down. I freaked and threw some cover up over my wrist. My mom wanted to see my wrist and I begged her not to look but she did. And she saw the cuts and started crying and then glared at me and said WHY? WHY DO YOU CUT YOURSELF? ARE YOU NOT SATISFIED WITH YOUR LIFE? I said it’s not that. I didn’t know how else to explain to her that I hated being alive. She asked me when I started what I used and when the last time I did it was. I said I started 2 weeks ago which was not even close to being true, I had been doing it for nearly a year now. I told her I used some rock which was also a lie; I actually used a razor blade that I hide in my dresser. And I told her the last week I did it was 1 week ago. I felt horrible for lying to her but I couldn’t tell her. She started talking about putting me in therapy and I begged her not to do it. My moms said give me one reason not to! And I was like because I’m okay I promise. And I’m not okay but I’m just a really convincing liar. She said one more time and they’re sending me to a psycho ward where I can’t hurt myself. (I’d find a way) and I said okay and went to bed very early it was only 7:04 PM. I ran to school the next day and pulled my best friend aside to tell her what happened and she said its okay my mom found out to, and I said what happened? My best friend said nothing, my mom didn’t even care… ***skipping ahead awhile because the rest was just useless such as my mom checked my whole body for more cuts and scars every morning and night***
When I was 11 I started cutting myself again and then I stopped before my mom found out... it was just that easy to stop.
***12-13 I had minor suicide thoughts everyday, night, second, hour, minute all the time no matter what I was doing. I looked at knifes and razors…I still had that one in my dresser and I still looked at it when there was no one around, it was still hidden and it was still an option.
A few days after I turned 13 I once again attempted suicide but not in the same way, I tried to drown myself, why you ask? My and my best friend were drifting again. We never talked, never hung out, my mom was treating me like a piece of shi* because my *PAST* my brother was the same way I kept getting yelled at by my other sister because everything (need less to say It was mostly about the cutting myself)
And then him…. I had the most amazing boyfriend ever I loved him to death he had broken up with his gf for me and I was so in love with him for that one day he said he couldn’t live without me and I said that’s good, because you’ll never have to. I got a text from his ex gf, ( I should of known better to trust her ) she said that they had just made out and he was still in love with her… so heartbroken I went in the bathroom and slammed the door I slid down the wall crying my eyes out and I pulled out my razor blade. I knew that my mom would be expecting my wrist to be where I cut so I started at my thigh and slowly went all the way down both of my legs. And some cuts stayed as scars and some just disappeared. By the time I was done there was blood everywhere but instead of clean it up I just pulled down my pant leg and walked away. I was talking to him and I asked him what had happened and he said he had no idea what I was talking about, I thought he was lying and I broke up with him running away crying he said he wont live without me and then I got a phone call from his mom asking for him to come home, I told her he wasn’t here and she asked me where he was I said I don’t know we broke up. And then the words that he had said were ringing in my head **”I will not live without you”**
And I dropped the phone and ran to OUR woods and the sight I seen was not pretty he was dead…he killed himself and i didn’t know what to do except cry I had just grabbed the razor prepared to end my life but his mom begged me not to…she got there just in time. To this day I still wish she wouldn’t of. She said that he wouldn’t want me to die like him…and I don’t know why I didn’t kill myself but I wanted to so much… my sister started inviting a girl and guy over, they were dating it turned out even though the guy didn’t know me he liked me, I guess I was just feeling sad about the whole thing with my ex that I started talking to him…me and his gf became best friends so why did I do what I did next? He asked me out and I said what about you gf? And he was like what about her? I said are you still dating her? And he was like well yes, this is where it gets awkward…and I was like okay what? He said I was wondering if you would date me while I dated her? And you know what?!?! I smiled and said yes!! Because I am a piece of shi* worthless and I deserve to die... I don’t deserve to be alive because I dated one of my best friend’s bf while she was dating him, yeah he cheated on her with me and I allowed it and it made me happy!!! And then I meant some one else and we started dating… (I seem like a real slut don’t I?) I never had the feeling of safety with my ex (the one who died) as I did with the one who was my former bf…but still I couldn’t stop cutting myself over the death of my ex…the fact that I dated one of my best friends boyfriend **WHILE SHE DATED HIM AND SHE HAD NO FUCKIN* IDEA**because I blamed myself… l love my former bf he was always there for me, he always made me feel better like it was just me and him… I told my best friend and she said…that’s cause you fell in love again…and I said but I can’t what about my ex? And she said he’d want you to be happy. Then I and my former bf were in love and I still thought about my ex….
14- my former bf went out one night with friends and they were in a car crash, he is in a coma now, and I’ve never cut myself so much, I just wish I could have him back but I might loose him forever…I’m thinking maybe I’m not meant to be in love…or loved because if 2 boys lost they’re lives because of me I was killing myself and I don’t care what any one has to say about that.
I will love you forever both of you…but perhaps I’m not allowed to be happy...but ill say this again just like the night before the accident....I love you so if you die then i die. <3

-the girl with the broken heart, fighting back tears every second of the day…the one who’s wishing she could die and hoping she will never lose him…LOVE FOREVER AND ALWAYS HER ( me )




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