All that is
bloody hell how the yr's flying by. and i don't feel like i'm keeping up either.
it's so anxious for me because i know that this is the time that everything is kinda in my own fate. my future i mean, like what degree i get, where i do my masters, if i get jobs easily or not, how i'll feel about talking about my uni yrs... and i just need to get my arse down and work. i will now tonight i promise after i clean my room. but i;m just nervous all the time.
so with phil, i'm still not sure how i feel about him. i haven't seen him in about a week and 1 day, so i can't remember how i feel about his looks. the thing is with phil, i like him and his company, his jokes, he makes me laugh and i feel comfortable around him. but that romance factor just isn;t there for me. i know it's there for him, but i wonder if he's got an inkling that its lacking for me. i think he might. which is why he's not been so pushy. he's just a sweet heart, he really is. but the thing is my heart doesn't go ba-dum ba-dum when i'm about to see him, or when i'm with him. that feeling of being with someone and your having your stomach in a twist the whole time, or having your heart in your mouth, just isn't there, and for me that's so important. that's what's responsible for that feeling of not being able to sleep or eat or concentrate - as with ben anderson 2 summers ago... god i remember that. it was such a beautiful feeling that, like someone had pumped your body and your heart full of laughing gas and you couldn't keep still. just beautiful. it's what makes the sex completely out of this world. i mean yes i was still able to sleep with phil so on some level i was able to find some attraction towards him. and yes i was turned on at times, but it was very much sporadic. roller-coaster like. up one minute and turned off the next. the last time we had sex was really good actually. i love getting guys hard, its such a turn on for me to feel it. so i was doing so, and then he was really turned on (this was about 25mins after we'd just finished off before) and this time i was even more turned on than the first time. and so we were lying facing eachother and grinding below which felt awesome. then he went to put a condom on, and after he did, i put it in my mouth for a bit which must have taken him to the edge because as soon as he got on top of me and we started having sex, he came almost immediately. that was a really good time. he's the 7th person i've been with ever now. the one i regret the most is spero. fuck what was i thinking?? and i had work the next morning, and so i had to get a taxi to old knt rd then to work. whole thing came to about thirty something quid. what a waste. and he wouldn't give me any money. and the sex was the worst kind ever. i don't remember if even being sex at all and i wasn't even drunk. i sometimes wonder if it should count. obviously it's cos i don't want to include him on the list as he's a waste and is just one more guy. but then his tool definitely went in there for a bit. cos i remember telling him 'harder' which of course he wasn't able to grant. oh well. u live and u learn.
so, phil was at a wedding this weekend and then on monday he asked me in the morning around 9-10am ish what i was up to for the day and i wasn't able to text back as i had no cred, till my mummy an daddy put some money in my account and at around 3pm i was text him back. he must have been peeved slightly cos he didn't reply till about 2and a half hrs later. so i replied i'm busy today blah blah. then later in the eve i asked what are u up to tomorro? and he said he's going to seville today.. bummer. i don't know how i feel about it. in a way its good as its buying me more time, which i need to collect my thoughts. but in another way i'd still like to see him. the thing is i genuinely i like getting a text from him. it makes me smile. and i like to reply etc. i'm not playing any games or anything. but i wonder if this fondness for him doesn't come from a more selfish place.. like usually with a guy i'm seeing, it's me who's always pining and plotting and in angst and questioning and researching etc, because i' infatuated by them. i've never been with someone who i didn't like 100%. i guess it must be more common amongst people than i thought. especially amongst guys. cos i always read stuff that say i was dating him, then he grew on me. i guess i'm seeing that will happen with phil. but what i'm saying is that i wonder if my fondness for him isn't because i enjoy being the one that doesn't care so much. and i enjoy having this shield so even if i don't hear from him, i'm not bothered. it's kinda a novelty really, since usually its the other way around. I'm praying i'll go through a phase quite soon where i'll find him desperately attractive. it's also me being slightly shallow i'll admit, because if it was someone i was really attracted to, and i knew others would find him hot, i'd have invited him to come meet my mates in the park or something. but with phil, i'm aware he's not conventionally good-looking, even though i'm still slightly attracted to him.
god i need to make up my mind.
So Declan (irish rock n rolla from 2 summers ago) rang me this morning. i text him last night i remember, and this morning around 8.50am rather early, he rang and we spoke for a bit about how we've been. i was half asleep so i would have been more talkative, but i was still able to chat a little. he says we should meet up soon etc. we'll see what happens there. i don't want to sleep with him, cos i'm not that attracted to him. well i'm not sure, haven't seen him in 2 yrs. and i just wanna be mates to be honest. we'll see soon though, maybe before i go back to bristol next monday.