blueberry

Confessions of a married woman
2011-04-12 15:41:19 (UTC)

FML

Why am I so unfuckingfortunate!? No matter how much I try to improve my life, it feels as if I'm digging myself into a hole. The only good thing in my life is my mom, dad, sisters and nephews, thats it!

Yesterday, I went with my sister, her husband and her sister-in-law to Monday Margaritas at our local Acapulcos. I was having a good time talking to my sister's sister-in-law and she was telling me how she suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her. I gave her a list of things to look for and some of them were right on key and other's weren't. I couldn't come up with a clear diagnosis, I just told her to follow him one day, if she really wanted to know, since she already confronted him.

When I got home, I parked behind my husband's/roommate car. I sat by him and was talking to him about my day with my tax preparer and how that went, since he decided to file separately this year. He ask me if i wrote off our new computer, which to be honest I totally forgot, even if he did remind me with a text 5 minutes prior to seeing her. He got all pissed off and said if he would of known that I wasn't going to write it off he would of wrote it off himself, blah blah blah. I got pissed and I said, Sorry for forgetting, i have a lot of shit in my head thanks to you already, what the hell do you want me to do? I just left into my room closed the door and turned off the light. He came into the room, went into my purse to get my car keys, as he wanted to go get something for dinner. I guess while pulling my key out of my purse he spotted my camera. He didn't say anything at that time, but later on at night when we he was going to go to bed, very confident he went into my purse and pulled out my camera. I hate that he looks through my pictures. He hates me wearing revealing stuff and I had pictures from my birthday in Vegas last year and Halloween pictures too (I dressed up as a nurse). He was going through the pictures via the camera and some were distorted as they were taken with another camera, others were flipped so it showed an error, the only way to see them correctly was to put the car into the computer and look at the slide show there. I asked him to please give me the card back and he refused. He asked why I was hiding these pics..etc... I told him because he didn't like to see me dresssed like that so why did I have to share with him. Anyway, he got so pissed... that he hit my closet door... and I could see the rage in his eyes that he wanted to maybe even kill me... he didn't. But I wanted to get out of the house, pronto. I was crying and I said I wanted to leave, but couldn't because I didn't have any where to go. I told him how much I hated myself for not being self-sufficient, that if I was I would'nt be living under the same roof with him. He wouldn't let me go. Finally I decided to get it over with he needed to see the pictures. So I told him, to go see them. I really really really wanted to escape yesterday. I'm tired. I'm tired of living this fucked up life. THat although it is not always fucked up it is when I get home. When he comes home. We are just hurting each other a lot. I think I need to get another job. I need to get the fuck out of there. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I feel helpless, I really do. I don't want to talk to him, or see him right now. I guess I'm just going to stay out until its time for bed to avoid him. He had the nerve to want to comit suicide, I told him that he could do with his life whatever the fuck he wanted to but not in our house or where I could see him. Seriously if someone really wants to end his/her life, fucking do it make sure your successful... jump off a tall ass bridge, don't fucking do it in your home where your family could see what mess you create. Can one stop someone? I have no idea. I wouldn't stop him, like i said do whatever the fuck you want just dont do it in our house or anywhere that I'll see you/find you. fuck that. I'm so scared right now. I can't even tell my family about him, because you never know maybe we will get back together in the future and I don't want my family to have any resentment towards him. I just want to run and hide, be alone for a few days to reflect. I need some type of spirtual retreat. I need to focus on what I want for my self and how to get it. Why is the world so cruel?




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