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2011-04-12 01:36:47 (UTC)

Why am I Still Here?

It's ironic that just last night I was reading an article about infidelity. The hubs and I had just gotten into an argument, and when I couldn't sleep, I found myself reading "Relationship Advice: Can Love Come Back From the Brink?"

It was a story about a couple that got back together after a divorce. The husband had cheated on his wife after they had their first child, and although they divorced, they ended up resolving their issues.

I don't know if the hubs and I will fare as well...
I found myself snooping this morning. I went through his browsing history, and discovered random female profiles, cheating websites, and a completely new email address. It turns out that he had been corresponding with random females on this new email address and IM as early as March 9. I'm mad that not all messages were saved. However, it only took 2 sent messages to make my hands shake and blood boil:

March 9 9:00 pm- He asks a female if she wants to meet up
March 29 9:00 pm- He sends a nude picture of himself to another female and asks what she thinks.

Seriously!? I felt sick to my stomach.
I was disgusted. That naked picture was sent just 2 weeks ago. It was sent after he was already in deep waters for talking to Spazz. It was sent after we had already made up and had crazy, monkey sex.
What kind of a husband is he? Why would he do this???
So many questions...

I didn't plan on bringing it up right away. I wanted to see if he would message or IM any more. I wanted time to come up with a plan of action. But I couldn't help myself and I confronted him around 10pm. Bastard didn't have a thing to say. As always, he tried to play the victim. Claimed he needed my help because he's got a sick addiction to attention.

It was too late to admit. He could've approached me after the whole thing with Spazz. Instead, he resorted to clandestine messaging.
I'm broken. I feel hatred & disgust towards a man I'm supposed to call my husband. I've lost all respect for him. I just don't see how a man that's supposed to love me can repeatedly hurt me.
As I told him, I wish I would've known what I was getting myself into when I married him....
I never would have.

What to do, and why am I still here?

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