Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned
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2011-04-10 18:57:32 (UTC)

I Come Without a Spirit of Contrition

So, I know that if a person goes to a Catholic priest to confess her sins (something I have done a total of one time in my entire life, an experience which was absolutely nothing like the stalls I am constantly seeing referenced in TV shows and movies like 40 Days, 40 Nights), they are supposed to come in a spirit of contrition. That is, they are supposed to come feeling sorry for what they have done, and wishing to make some kinds of amends for those actions would be a bonus.

So, my problem is that I tend to be contrite for about five or so sins:
1) I am a liar. Big time.
2) I look at porn. It tends to be the kind that focuses on penises of the well-endowed variety, but also usually having some particularly unique feature meaning that a person would have either girth, length, testicle size, testicle hang, ejaculate volume/frequency, or ejaculate distance in what I assume is something like at least the 95th percentile. I look at photographs or watch videos of these people, and sometimes even watch and talk with them live. These sites are out there.
Afterwards I usually masturbate, which actually I don't consider to be sinful in itself, but which is most of the time sinful anyway because most people cannot disconnect the act of masturbation from the having of sinful thoughts (which in my case would be lusting after the men I was just looking at or talking to).
3) I watch movies illegally on the Internet.
4) I rehearse past and future conversations with other people in a bitter manner that generally portrays me as powerful and the other person as a dumb***.
5) I swear too much.

Well, being contrite about those things isn't really a problem. The problem is the number: five. I know that my sinfulness extends far beyond these five transgressions. The issue is that I am generally oblivious as to what kind of sins I'm doing. I generally have very little idea what I should be confessing except for those five things. So the point of this diary is to publish what it is I am actually doing wrong in my life so that I can better understand the condition of my heart.

We'll see how it goes. Oh, and by the way, my name is