blueberry

Confessions of a married woman
2011-04-06 18:50:41 (UTC)

What to do? What to do?

To continue with my log from yesterday. I don't know what to do? Is my relationship repairable? Can I live knowing that my husband has a child with another woman? I wish I had a mirror with the future in it. I wish I had a crystal ball to look into the future. If someone that's reading this, has had this experience, please tell me!

Now I'm jumping to A (my other A, my lover, crush, whatever) I hadn't heard from him since the last time until this Sunday at 11:52 pm (by that time I was already a sleep) He just said, "hey".. I replied to him in the morning with "Hi hotstuff".. never heard back from him until yesterday at 12:58 am (what is he a freaking vampire!?) I replied to him yesterday at 9:46 am with "Hi" and right after that with "I miss you. I really wanna see you." and I really do, especiall with the incident of my husband, I need some type of lovin' (and this doesnt mean real) I just want someone and he's the perfect one. I haven't heard from him, but if I were to hear from him today and he asked me to meet him. I would! I need him, I want him.

Yesterday A (my husband) was going to talk to his family in regards to his GF being pregnant, I guess he didn't as his mom fell and needed medical attention so he and his sister took her to the doc to get X-rays and all that stuff. I spoke to his sister last night and she seemed to be clueless so I don't think he told them, plus this morning I spoke to his other sister and she invited me over to lunch (I work very close to her home) I agreed. I hope I don't break down and cry! I won't Ill be strong. Last night I went to a meeting for work in Beverly Hills, it was a cocktail party and they had great appetizers and deserts. I totally got tipsy with wine. I got home and went straight into my room. I didn't talk to A, just a very dry hello. I really don't have the desire to talk to him. After all the hurt he has caused. I usually turn my phone off as soon as I walk in the door and he's there, but yesterday I decided to keep it on. I kept getting text messages, Blackberry Messenger Messages, Yahoo Messenger Messages, Facebook notifications, Emails, and one phonecall. He said, that is suprising, you have your phone on. It looks as if you don't care. I said, I don't you have not right to touch my phone or instigate. He looked really sad about it and, tell me, why the fuck do I feel guilt! My phone was going off so much that I decided to put it on silence, before his jealousy rage got into him and he would try to confiscate my phone from me. I went to sleep, and he went to bed shortly after. I don't want him touching me at all. I think our sexual "relationship" is over for good, not even for old times sake. I take birth control so that I can have sex with him and not worry about him or I becoming parents and then this slut comes around and gets pregnant by him. Ugh that pisses me off!

On Friday night I finally went dancing, and I had a great time. It had been almost a month since i've gone out. I met a really nice and cute guy with the most gorgeous eyes ever, the only problem is that he was 5'9 and I'm about that height if not taller with heels on. He was half white and half Nicaraguan... but looked white. Well we have been texting back and fourth, I don't know much about him, but he seems well educated and nice. I won't know until I know him a little more. And plus I don't know if the texting will continue, you know men. I sure had fun, I danced with a lot of young guys :), and we all know we secretly want younger boys...haha.

I still feel like shit, and I even wore my glasses today, because if have to cry I don't want another pair of contacts ruined. Why does life have to be this way. Why can't it be easy? Why can't we make good judgement calls? Why can't we predict our future? I wish it wasn't so complicated!




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