Confessions of a married woman
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2011-04-05 23:53:54 (UTC)

My Heart is Demolished

April 4, 2011, my heart has officially been demolished! :(

Even though I was having some type of intuition I didn't know what exactly it was. Yesterday was my husbands day off and I hate when he has days off and he spends them at home, because he does detective work on me. Hacks my email accounts, hacks everything he knows of. He doesn't know of this though. I try to keep him busy by calling him and checking up on him. He really can't keep secrets so he will confront me with the problem right away. Last Monday, he went through with a surprise for me. He told me to go home right away that we were going to go somewhere. I got out of work late and to top it off I got a flat tire on my way home, that totally delayed our plans. Anyway, we ended up going as it wasn't too late. I thought he was going to confront me with something. I always think of the worse. I quickly changed, we got up on his car WITH APPLES and drove, i saw on his GPS that it was 35 miles away. I didn't know what to expect, my heart was beating fast. Anyway, he took me to the drive-in, somewhere I've always wanted to go. it was so much fun. IT was him Apples and I, we watched two movies and they were both great, Battle LA and Limitless. We got home at midnight and just went straight to bed.

I sometimes had hope that our relationship would peice back together some how. I found it in my heart to forgive him a long time ago but I never told him. Nor do I plan to. Yesterday though, I got home, he wasn't himself. I knew something was wrong, what was it?! I didn't ask him because I didn't want any bad news. I kept avoiding it. I decided that I'd go change to get something to eat as I was starving. When I got out of my room he had turned off the TV already... I sat on the couch, and he kneeled in front of me crying. I knew something was up... the thing is I have to play the guessing game if i want answers fast. I asked him what is wrong now... are you leaving? Do you want me out? What is it?! He said... A, I tried to fix things with you, I swear, I had a new year's resolution...." I finished his sentence... "...but she got pregnant" yep that was the rest of it alright... my stomach sank, my fracture heart cracked into a million peices. My soul faucet let loose, I wanted to puke. I could only think of saying "Fuck you to him" I mean what else can I say. He said he tried to stop her from having the baby,but she refused, she didnt want to go through an abortion and he kept insisting. I asked a million questions, "do you love her?" (obviously if he asked her to get an abortion he doesnt) he said "no... i have feelings for her of course but I don't love her, plus I have a lot of recentment towards her" I asked, "do you feel the same for her as you did on Sept 8, 2008?" "not at all he answered" I didn't know how to feel. I felt sorry for him really. I don't know whether to feel haterd towards her or not. I don't. I asked if he had discussed breakage of their relationship, he said yes back in December, she is 4 months, she was suppoesably on birth control, I think she set him up. But did she really? I want to believe she did, because thats what she probably did with her first child. Anyway, I need to go, I'll continue tomorrow.