Timothy

Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2013-04-06 06:06:09 (UTC)

the pensivity club

Seems everyone these days have been introspecting into the world of "hmm" in regards to relationships. Love is a funny thing. I believe in true love, I also believe in 'the one". "The One" being, however, an allegory for a soul mate rather than a number, I think you can have multiple, "ones". Why put a limit on something as nebulous and as wonderfully terrifyingly and blissful as love? I can't imagine it. I feel a deep sense of remorse for people who say they'll never fall in love again, or that they've never been in love, or those who say, romance is stupid, or love doesn't exist. Because it does. I've basked in it, bathed in it's terribleness, reveled in it's light. ok, I might be overdoing the prose but still, I feel a great sadness for those who decry it. I don't understand those people, I don't know I ever will, but it doesn't stop me from trying.

With Valentines day soon approaching I find i'm single during it, like the last 3, but not the previous 2 before that. I like to think of myself as a romantic, and well, that means I tend to go overboard with things. I know I can be awfully intense, it happens, but, I am who I am. I love hard, I play hard, and I won't ever change, nor do I think i should. i dated a girl 4 years ago and she broke up with me shortly before valentines. She would be #4 on the list of "valentines day massacres", she found out I bought her a dozen lilacs and had the bakery she loved make her a giant Red Velvet cupcake, she never spoke to me again, but, I found from a friend of a friend, that it turned out, she thought I was crazy. No one had ever done that before, bought her flowers, or given her anything on V-Day. I'm always, ALWAYS, surprised when I hear a girl say that, it makes me sad. Not for them, for the morons they date, how does a guy go through life without making a small gesture of affection to a girl? even if you're the kind to say 'oh, valentines day, commercial blah blah blah", I mean, really. come on. make an effort. Hell, it doesn't even have to be on valentines day. But, such is life right?

When I was in high school, I was with Casey, a lovely girl 6 years older than me (I was 17, and she was a bartender at my mothers pub), I never thought I'd date her, I flailed after her for quite some time. I couldn't tell you how it started, but it ended much sooner than I think i would have liked, but we had a good couple of months. It ended shortly after my mother fired her, I suspect i had more to do with the decision.

When I was with Lenora some years later, that lasted quite a lot longer than I could have hoped, if I'm completely honest with myself, as we were very different, I think it was the "fine arts student" thing I had for girls then. which was weird, because I started dating Lenora while she started being a fine arts student at the U of M, and we'd met at an SCA event, wherein I told my best friend Corey, she would be mine. I don't know why I said it, but I did, and I got the girl, I was happy for a time. But like most things, relationships end.

Then there was Kristen, Tara as she calls herself now, no one ever did back then, but she's stopped calling herself Kristen, and I can't bring myself to call her Tara, I don't know this Tara, but I knew Kristen, quite well. I knew her. Of the three long term relationships I've had, Monica was the one I'd most fallen in love with. I think a piece of myself died after Monica did, it's one of lifes experiences that when you go through, you find, that, nothing is quite how you remember it. Normally, my preferences have lent themselves to dark haired, goths or hippie, I like kinky and somewhat rarely, I like vanilla women, but usually then can indulge themselves if they're open minded enough. sometimes I harken back to when I was called, rather affectionately, silver tongued, and I wonder where that part of me went. I'm looking for that part of me again, but haven't found it yet.

I like strong women, I like my women to have fire, passion, ambition. I've always liked the independent, fierce, passionate, kind, caring, and filled with optimism and maybe an artistic quality of one sort or another, be it the written word, art, music, I'm nothing if not, indiscriminate for my preferences, as it were. I like tall women, short women, skinny, curvy, athletic, glasses, no glasses, green eyed, blue eyed, brown eyed, long haired, short haired, it's all about the personality for me. the neck line, the collar bones, the wrists, the eyes, the lips.

For most of the last 5 years, I've largely been single, a few dalliances here and there, a pair of friends with benefits across a few provincial landscapes, but nothing ever lasting even more than few months, I move around a lot, or rather, i used to. it's not that terrible a thing, being alone, and yet, I know, that while I'm sometimes feeling lonely, and alone, I'm not wanting to be with someone because of it, but rather that, if i can make them laugh, perhaps then, a little light can be shone on my life, and if they're willing to dance in the rain with me at midnight, so much the better.

so, whether or not, anything happens with anyone, soon, or later, I'm a believer, in romance and you, and I, and anyone, can fall in deep love with anyone. always, you see, i believe that everyone can find their "one", all true love really is, is Unconditional love. Balk if you like, deny it if you must, but you'll never convince me otherwise. I'm not religious, but I'm unfailing in my faith, that LOVE conquers everything. And maybe a couple of flails across the backside too. ;)

c'est la vie.




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