hopelessly bored

trial and error
2011-03-29 12:02:10 (UTC)

fuck this

man i was so happy just a week ago, and now i'm like a nervous wreck. wtf is wrong with my brain? seriously, why can't i remain happy?

well i'm going to be fairly homeless this summer. i mean its fine that my parents said i cant stay at home anymore. i'm an adult and i shouldn't really depend on them as a place to stay during the summer when i don't have school.

but shit man, it makes me anxious just thinking about it. i don't know.

and kyle and i have been together for about a month now. literally the fastest month of my life. he makes me so incredibly happy, but for some reason, thinking of him makes me anxious also.

i think it's because for the first time in an incredibly long time, i'm really letting someone in, and it is fucking difficult.

but he makes me happy. he's such a sweet guy. the feeling i get when i'm with him is something i haven't felt in such a long time. so happy. when he holds me i feel like everything is good.

i feel silly and cute when i'm with him. i want to kiss him and make him laugh. he's so funny. sometimes he's super quiet and gentle and sweet, and other times he's really hyper and crazy. his moods change faster than anyone i've ever met before, which isn't really a positive thing but it's how he is so that's just how it is.

his smile makes me feel good inside. i like talking to him. i like listening to him talk. and i like kissing him. and i like touching him. and there's really not much i don't like about him.

i don't know why thinking about him makes me so anxious though.

yes, i do, actually. i just said it in this entry. i'm scared to let him in because i'm scared he'll let me down. i'm scared that he will get in the way of everything i've built up for myself.

but the stupid thing about it is that he isn't doing those things, it's my anxiety that is doing those things. if he does let me down, it would be because i was too hesitant to let him in and he got tired of waiting. if somehow my goals get comprimised, it will be my own fault.

for example, the past few days, i've just been sitting here, near panic-attack, not doing anything remotely productive, and he isn't even anywhere near me. and he hasn't done anything mean or anything that would suggest he's going to hurt me.

and he tells me he loves me. and i believe him. because i love him too. and i'm not a stupid kid who doesn't know what it means to love someone, but i know that i really do love him. it feels like how it used to feel when i first met jose. i feel sick all the time except for when i'm with him.

man, being in love is one of the best and worst feelings in the whole universe.




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