Lexieloo90

Life as I know it
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2011-03-29 05:46:27 (UTC)

pregnant

I never thought I would have to go through this. I'm only 20 years old and pregnant. For years I didnt even think I could get pregnant. I'm so scared. Found out I'm 4 weeks along. I've decided to get an abortion mainly cause I dont think that I could handle adoption. I think it would tear me apart and Id end up keeping it but I know I cant. I have no means to take care of it. I dont want to have it and not be able to provide for it. Its just tearing me apart inside cause Ie already grown attached to it and the idea of having a baby to love and take care of. It hurts so much to know I cant and that I'm gonna have to give it up. I havent been able to stop crying sine I found out. I know that by giving it up that its going to destroy mee inside emotionally and mentally. Id give anything to be able to keep it. I just wish that I had been safer somehow to prevent all of this. Apparently birth control just isnt enough. I have to wait two weeks from now beore I can get the aborion and I just have no idea how I'm gonna be able to go through with it or be able to handle it. Its not even really a baby yet but I already love it. And I hate myself so much for what I'm gonna do. I know that I'll regret this for the of my life. I know women do this all the time but I dont see how. I've never had to make such a hard decision in all my life. God it just hurts so much. I dont understand why this had to happen now when I cant take care of it. Ive already been through so much in my life I dont understand why god has to keep doing this to me. I'm not strong enough to keep taking on everything. Ive been beat emotionally,mentally and pyhsically. Ive been raped. Ive been going through depression for years. Diganosed manic depressive. Cheated on and lyed to by almost every person Ive ever been close to. Ive had my life dream taken from me. Ive gone through almost every bad thing that can happen to a person. And now I hae to give up the one thing Ive always wanted more then anything else in the world. To be a mommy. To have someone to love and who will love me no matter what. I'm so scared that if I go through with this that I really will neveer be able to get pregnant again and I'll never get to be a mommy. Its all so scary and is killing me inside. I dont wanna do this but I know its in the best interest for everyone. Just doesnt make it any easier.


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