Start of another week....the weekend was not too bad. My wife's sister celebrated her birthday on Saturday night so we all went for dinner (a party of about 20) and half of us went clubbing afterwards. We had a private area at the club which was good as the club was full. My wife and I danced together throughout and she seems to be more of herself than at last week's party.
My team lost in the Cup Competition on Saturday morning so that is my soccer season over, it has been a very long season, since August, so looking forward to spending time with my children on Saturday mornings.
My Son's 2 soccer teams also lost on Sunday, he plays morning and evening Sunday soccer. His season for the evening team will be over next week. I can't complain as it takes a lot to take him for 2 soccer matches on Sunday.
I am going away on Thursday, travelling to Canada to visit a good friend of mine who will be celebrating his birthday. I wanted my wife to come along but she has too much going on at work and moreover her older sister lives in Canada and they are not currently 'best of friends' so she wants to avoid having to visit or not visiting and the sister gets upset.
I am going to take the time (about 5 days) to really reflect on my life and motivated my self to be strong in the decisions I have made and go for it!
I have made the decision to push ahead with my trading business and really need all the strength to accomplish what will be a very difficult and important time for the business. I also know what path my career should go but need to do a number of studying to keep up with the industry. I also need to decide on what we need to do with the house. The children are getting bigger and the house needs renovation (really). We cannot afford to move, well we can, but if we move we may not be able to sell our current house which we can rent (but there are no guarantees) and the mortgage payment for the new house will be a stretch and if either my wife or I lose our jobs (we are both contractors, not full time employees) we will not be able to afford the new mortgage. In light of these we may need to extend the current house which will be a big project. I need to state all the details of what this entails and decide if we should do it. I also need to plan how to augment my children's education and what they will be doing over the holiday in terms of learning new sports etc. So I am clear on my business, my career, the house, my personal fitness, my children's education and recreation.
At the moment I am no where close to where I am suppose to be in terms of my religious faith hopefully more on this some other time.
The one thing I am not sure about is what I do in my relationship with my wife. I have made the decision to follow the path of forgetting the past and rebuilding our relationship. How do I do this? Do I get back from Canada and concentrate all these challenges I have listed but still make myself available to my wife but not over bearing or do I get back and still do all these things but lead by example on how I want our relationship should be? So should I call/email her during the day just to say hello? We both hardly go out alone again but go out as part of a party so should I take her out for movies, dinners, walks etc Do I hold her hands and reassure her whenever there is an opportunity to do that? Do I kiss her when I get back home or she gets back home basically do I make her very special? This is my dilemma....after all that has gone on I need to feel special but I don't, this may be because of the things I expect are not what she thinks is required....but all I have mentioned above, I can do quite easily as I will enjoy making her special but it will devastate me if she takes it for granted or rejects it or even worse doesn't reciprocate.
My wife is a hard working and very interesting woman. I don’t know what happened in the past, it may be worse than I think or nothing more than I know. Irrespective, I have moved on, not to say I don’t get flashes of ‘why, why why?’ I get them but I am learning to deal with them and as I hope, with time and improvement in our relationship it will be something in the past. I need to find a way to get our relationship to where it should be.
I have not been happy or excited for a while now, I want to come back from Canada happy, excited and motivated.