Lonely Nights
2011-03-25 22:01:19 (UTC)

The beginning of the end.

I literally had enough. I'm at a breaking point, however, ironically I can't BREAK. Lately I've been mentally exhausted and physically drained. I can't even sleep properly. I sleep around 3-4 in the morning, sometimes later, or sometimes not at all. I can't sleep well, after a few hours I sleep, I wake up from the bad dreams I have. But I find that waking up, and living like this everyday is a worse dream.

Even when I wake up in the morning, I feel like going back to sleep. When I'm awake, there's nothing I can find to do that will make me happy. I just wander, go from room to room, trying to escape everyone. When I'm standing in a group of people, I feel like I'm the loneliest person in the entire world. Before I go to sleep, I wish that I don't wake up.

I'm fifteen years old. Your probably thinking I'm at the best point of my life right? Wrong. My heard hurts everyday, I get chest pains, I can't swallow down any type of food, even if it's my favorite. I try to distract myself, but I fail, miserably.

Ever since I moved to Turkey, everything went down a hill. Back in America, I had friends and people to talk to. Just talking helps me out. But with my family, I just can't. If I don't talk to them, I feel like I'm going to explode. If I do tell them, they just argue and tell me I'm over exaggerating. It's so fucked up. I'm a human being too. I HAVE A LIFE TOO!

I remember things from my past, and it destroys me.
I don't want to remember. I want to forget, and move on.

Sadly, the memories slip back into my mind,
and my chest hurts, as if someone is sticking a knife through my heart.

I find it shocking how I can lie to everyone and tell them I'm okay. How I can go lock myself up in the bathroom and cry for hours. How I can wipe my tears and put on a fake ass smile, and have people believe that I'm the happiest teenager in the world.

When actually, I'm bleeding inside.