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2011-03-25 12:49:29 (UTC)

Day 4- It's a Fine Line

After I actually got a full 9 hours of sleep, all my senses came back. The haunting memories of everything that had happened within the last 72 hours came rushing back. I thought about the hubs and the slutbag, Spazz, all day...

While the hubs was at work
After he got back
While I watched TV
While the hubs talked to me about future plans
At the gym
Especially late at night>>> when I didn't have any distractions.

In my mind, every thought or scenario ended with him cheating on me and deceiving me. I know this way of thinking is self-defeating. It cant be any good for the relationship at all. It sabotages the recovery/healing process. But I couldn't help it. I still can't. It's involuntary.
I cried myself to sleep at night. The hubs tried to comfort me, but even that felt wrong.

I completely understand the saying "there's a fine line between love and hate." I totally get it. I first experienced it when I had my fall-out with Bessy. I grew to hate the person I once considered a sister. Now, I think I simultaneously love/hate the hubs.
He has the power to raise me on a pedestal all the way to heaven, only to knock me down to the pits of hell.

The all-consuming hate that I felt just a few days ago subsided, but the line between love and hate is so thin...
I just wonder if it's only a matter of time before I feel the same way again. And if I do, can I repress it again?