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2011-03-25 12:18:40 (UTC)

Day 3- Plans Don't Always Work

It started to dawn on me that I couldn't leave. I couldn't face my family and relatives. I couldn't face friends. I felt stuck.

That's when I started thinking about staying. Not with the hubs. I couldn't the thought of living with him. I could stand the thought of his shameless cheating and lying. I couldn't let him wim. An obscure idea began to form.
That afternoon I LITERALLY drafted up a survival plan. I thought of a way to establish myself in this new place. I brainstormed, mapping out budgets, lists, options. I was desperately trying to make light of the situation. A false sense of confidence.

I waited until I was sure Beam was out of the house before rushing in for my first shower in 3 days.
By now I was severely sleep deprived, hungry, greasy, etc. All around broken down. There was no dignity in my state of being. I was sneaking around trying to get into what was supposed to be my own home. I looked and felt like shit...
The hubs would catch me sneaking in a shower. He must've rushed home from work. He tried to talk to me more.

I could only cry. I felt so defeated. So hurt.

I left only to pass out in a parking lot. I involuntarily lost complete conscious. If I was gonna pass out in all abandon, I only felt safe doing it at home. I was gonna stay out in the parking lot. I didn't even have to go in.
But as I sat there, motionless, I longed for security. I had a sudden urge to try to make it work and get past this nightmare.

I came back to this place called "home."
The hubs welcomed me with open arms. As always, he had a way of treating me like a queen. He cooked a gourmet meal for me. Let me pass out in all abandon. When we settled in for bed, we had a real honest conversation. I finally felt some relief.
It felt so great to be back. To get all of that off my chest and to feel heard.

I might've still been delusional, in my half asleep/half awake state, because I did what I shouldn't ever have done.
I told him that I love/hated him and then we went on to have
in the missionary position
it's actually one of the few times I would actually say that we made love. I don't always like to use the phrase because I think it's a nice way of saying boring sex, but it wasn't boring. Just intimate.

That's how my plan to stay mad, to steer clear crumbled. In a sleep-deprived state.