2011-03-25 10:46:20 (UTC)

Day 2- The "Story" & Consuming Fury

I spent the night crazed and disoriented. I drove around while I imagined driving back home, leaving all my belongings behind. Leaving the hubs behind.

He had cheated on me on several occassions since we first started talking. The only reason I married him was because it had been a while since I had any problems with random tramps. Even then, I warned him that I couldn't stand him cheating once more, not while we were married. I firmly believed marriage would bring a new beginning, but it seems some things never change.
Now I had to decide whether I would keep my promise.

Tuesday rolled around, and I asked to meet him. He was going to have his chance to talk:
He was still intent on claiming all innocence. She was nothing more than a friend- someone that had kept him close company during deployment. It was nothing physical, just emotional. It was only at work, where he would spill out his heart to her on the daily: our problems, deployment, his father issues.
He tried to color her confused. When she talked about "being with him" she merely referred to whatever emotional attachment there was during deployment. When he told her that he had more than just feelings for her, he merely meant that he cared about her just as a friend.

I couldn't sit there and listen to him blatanly lie to me, so I made a run for my things. It turned into a tug-of-war. I tried to pack all my things, while he tried to hold me back. He made things worse by getting Mother involved on the phone. Beam was downstairs and overheard the argument he would call WWIII. After a long struggle, I half-packed my things, caught a cab, and left. No destination. Disoriented.
Night would roll around and I would have to ask hubs for a ride to a base hotel. He left me the car to try to check into a room. When that failed, and I sat in the car thinking. I became more convinced of my hatred towards him and I wanted out. But I would allow him closure. I drove over to see him again. There was almost nothing he could say that would change my mind. He knew it but he obligingly fed me more information. Nothing about our conversation was pulling me to stay. That's until he said I could stay in a hotel by myself, and that if I still wanted to leave I could. We ended up doing a run-around, and ultimately I couldn't stay put. I ended up driving off by myself.

That same night, I took to checking the online phone records. He had been talking to this female, Spazz, since he got his phone working again. A whole month and a half worth of conversations!!! He had been talking to her almost the same length of time I had been there. When we were spending time together, he'd text her. Almost every single day... I LOST MY MIND AGAIN. I had him call her, and I tried confronting her. She mocked me, asking me why I was worried about him sleeping with her if he was MY husband. I only felt worse. Stupid. Blinding anger.
I was just a huge joke to the both of them. I had to leave but I didn't know how. I went to the airport, but of course, it was shut down for the night.

I felt alone, betrayed, deserted.
I couldn't go back home. Less than a year of marriage. WAY less than 3 months living together.
I couldn't go to my friends. I'd look like a failure.
What was I going to do with myself...