All that is
what i thought
at her best..well to be honest i really don't feel like saying anything positive about her just now, which is why i'm here, but at her worst she can be quite insincere. i think that she's quite diplomatic and like's to keep things very pleasant and peaceful, even when you can read what she may actually be feeling all over her face and in her body language, so that can come across as quite insincere sometimes. so even when she wants to confront someone or call someone out on something, there'll be no confrontational tone in her way of doing it. she's also quite passive aggressive. i've caught whifs of it now and again, and its usually when there's a bit of testosterone in the room like one on one. for example today, which is why i;m here, at hers, this guy she's quite into was round and he'd cooked for her etc, and so i came round and when we were having some conversations, on a few instances, she would say something that was a bit passively rude. for example, one was when we were talking about the dvds she had and i saw she had sin city, and i said 'oh i love sin city!' and the guy said 'i don't, blah blah...' and i said, because i was astonished 'you don't like sin city?!' and then kate goes 'well he's just said he doesn't like it so no i don't think he does' and straight away i notice this, but i just laugh at it and let it roll off my back for the time being. then another time again when i was saying stuff about a film i liked and describing it in the same manner i always do, and i was doing so she began mimicking what i was doing and saying in a kinda 'not-taking-you-seriously-mockish-way'... again i let it roll off but it was really annoying and i did say 'why do u always do this?!' but with half laughter so it's real intent didn't really translate that well.
another thing i noticed was i'm pretty sure that she was offering (very obvious) hints and conversation starters to the guy to let him know that i was into more oyibo guys than black guys, like we were watching a dating show, but she would just randomly work roll-neck and some austrian i got with a few weeks back into the convo, and mention what my type was like for example. using opportunity to let the guy know that i wouldn't be into him - cos i guess she thought that me and him were getting along a bit well. like he was asking me questions etc. i could tell by the look on her face that she didn't like it much and that she'd rather i wasn't there. the whole bitchy thing i mentioned earlier, is all down to the same thing i think - that there's a guy in the room she wants to impress, and is a bit threatened. and i guess he wasn't really talking to her much about anything interesting - their conversation was a bit, well, non-existent. more like he'd say something and she'd roll with it, or me and her would talk on something briefly then he'd ask for his own opinion on it. or me and him were talking about movies - guy ritchie particulary and we both liked it, and kinda waxed on it a bit, but she was a bit clueless about it and she didn't really know what to say about it so i guess just made a joke about how much she didn't know to alleviate some tension on her part. also when she came back into the living room me and him were talking about his job as an estate agent and what it was like, and what made a good estate agent, and the convo was flowing quite easily - certainly more so than what i'd witnessed with them two. and then she joined in, and it ended. and then after it, i think she said to him 'this one here's a student' referring to me. and i said 'yeh i'm a student..blah blah...' again i felt she mentioned it to highlight a dissimilarity. all just so passive aggressiveness. she did similar things with guy was with us as well. quite annoying and i'm gonna call her out on it one of these days. i dunno. i guess girls will be girls. chuck a boy in the mix and you can't be sure what to expect from them anymore. you'll be left wondering if so-and-so's comments were innocent or just a little too snide to be, or questioning the foundation of your friendships or how well you know each other at all. i'm sure she felt a tad jealous of me tonight. the same way i (admittedly) felt a tad of her when guy who i was forming a minor crush on at the time, seemed to be in good conversation with her and i was slightly out of it at times... i guess it's natural to feel it even with people you consider a good friend. but unlike her tonight, i just accepted it, i didn't start making these slightly backhanded or condescending comments... because i'm clever enough to know that however much i tried to conceal them, they'd come through very transparently and be seen as insecure and catty. NOT WHAT I EVER WANT PEOPLE TO THINK OF ME. even tho it can sometimes be true. i just let the situation be, and hoped for the best. (in that case meaning that he wouldn't text her even tho he took her number, and he never did..) but she obviously she thought i she was being discreet, or i wasn't clever enough or what? that's the annoying part, like does she think i'm so dumb that i can't see what she was doing?
and also with her friends or the people she calls friends, that someone like myself would call nothng more than an acquaintance. she sees them in loud places, at night where they can't talk and never get passed gossip about what boys are on their predatorial radars that week. but she sees these people all them time and i wonder what kind of satisfaction she gets from her times spent with them because where all of those interactions feel empty for me, they seem to be enough for her. and this is something that's a bit niggling for me and where our primary differences come in.. she's a social butterfly i guess, and is fine with relationships that are thinly spread over a large group of people, kind of like a pebble skipping across a lake - doesn't go deep enough before jumping onto the next space. or like an iceberg - she's fine with the information that's easily gathered about someone from a shallow exchange. me, i'm impatient and un-phased by all of the above. i'd rather know 2 people very well than know 15 people on an acquaintances basis.
when we have our times together, i always come away from it thinking 'what just happened?' 'what did we do?' 'what kind of interaction shall i categorise that as?'
ok,maybe if you feel that these things that i say or do sorta get on your nerves then why not call me out on them? why make fun of it or use it on me in the presence of someone else? all i gotta say is, whatever warrants her strange behaviour is completely on her and not me. it's sad really.
i'd really like to tell her this. and if she takes it not so well, then i'll have to tell her that's what friends are for. real friends. not like the friends that you keep. but you'll be fine, because you always meet lots of people. you go through TONNES of them. have fun with that.