miserablebliss

Screaming to be Heard
2011-03-16 17:38:11 (UTC)

Dear Daddy


I figure this is the only way I can "talk" to you. So I'll start by saying Why did you let me get married? Couldn't you have made me trip while I was walking down the aisle? Or something? I know if you were here right now you could give me advice. Whether its something I wanna hear or not. What would you tell me? That I need to try and work it out? Or that I need to leave his sorry ass? I wish I knew. I miss your laugh and that you always told me you loved me. It's been over 3 years now but it still doesn't feel like it. I haven't had what I call one of my "daddy days" in a while. Ever since you have been gone I can feel myself being more and more closed off from the world. I can't help it. Things that are supposed to make me happy or sad don't anymore. I just feel sorta numb. But anyways.. this letter is also supposed to be a way for me to tell you whats been going on in my life...even though you probably can already see. I finished school but now I have to get licensed and it seems that noone wants to help. It's one big circle and its getting frustrating. But at the same time I don't know how I feel about leaving and going to work and leaving James here during the day. What's he gonna do while I'm gone? Is he going to keep his word this time and stay faithful? Or will he do what I think he will do and sneak off to meet up with one of his whores? Did you try and work it out with mama when she cheated on you? Or did you just let her go? I feel like you will be able to understand what I'm going through because of what she did to you. Why didn't you ever get remarried? What drove you to start using drugs. Remember the talk we had about suicide and you said how stupid it was to take your own life? In a way, you did kill yourself. You knew what meth would do to you but yet you did it anyway. I wish it was Jackie or Sherry that had died instead of you. They were on drugs longer. Why wasn't it them? Both are in jail now. I'd rather you be in jail than not here at all. I still need you.

Anyways.. I'm trying to lose weight the right way this time. I feel like I'm getting no where. I need motivation. My friends don't help and mama tries but it doesn't really work. Please help me find the motivation for this. Its something I really need to do for myself. And I know this but then I go and eat a gravy and biscuit for breakfast and ruin everything! I hate myself. I'm surprised you didn't die of disappointment first. Your daughter is a fat, ugly, hairy failure! I don't blame you for leaving me. Now I'm just getting depressed so I need to focus on positive thinking.. which is easier said than done. Like I said earlier, I need motivation. Even if I do lose the weight there's no guarentee that I will get a baby like I desperately want. Thats the only thing I have ever wanted. To be a mom.. but it doesn't look like thats going to happen. And now my husband is wanting a child more everyday and I can't give it to him. Just one more reason for him to do what he does. At least when I was with Larry he made me feel like I was worth something. He never made me feel fat and ugly. I'm not saying I'd get back with him because I never will. He's too immature and has no goals. I don't want to be in my fourties or fifties or more and have NOTHING to show for it. With James we are trying to have things. But I need to find a job so that I'm contributing. What do I do? You would know what to say to make me feel better.




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